Demon's Diary
by lyiint
Summary: Inuyasha finds Sesshoumaru's diary and gets a chance to know his mysterious brother.
1. Chapter 1

AN: I will be giving ages in human years as I don't want to go through the hassle of trying to figure out how

old everyone is in demon years. Plus I think it would be confusing to switch back and forth. The chapters

are purposely short, as they are only meant to be short entries into a diary. There are also spoilers for the

anime in most chapters, depending on how far you've watched into the show. Please enjoy 

I do not own Inuyasha, Rumiko Takahashi does. So sad for me 

Chapter 1: First Entry - The First

I write this journal as I have no one to tell my tales to and I hope that whoever finds this will know what these four beings mean to me. I write of them and some of myself. My children. How odd it is to think of that. I, who have needed no one, now cannot function without them. Strange the changes they brought in me.

I will start at the beginning with the first, my lovely Rin.

I actually did not find her, she found me, wounded in body and pride. I had just fought with my damnable brother and lost. My own fault really, who would know such a miscalculation would cause such damage.

Let me just take a moment to go back a little further in time. The Tetsusaiga, the sword of my father, was what I was seeking and at that time I did not believe my brother capable of wielding it. So I found where his tomb was and entered, intended to take it for myself. Like two children squabbling over the same toy my brother and I fought for it.

When that strange girl pulled it out when both of us could not and when it protected her from being buried alive, I realized then that the sword was not ever going to work for me. But if my brother was to have it he needed to learn to use it, so I goaded him into transforming it and he learned to use it alright, cutting off my left arm in his anger and desire to protect the miko girl.

I need you, dear reader to understand that the loss of my arm was a fairly grievous injury to me and my own fault as well. I could have killed my brother but I chose not too, the hesitation cost me my sword arm, it was such a bother to learn to wield my sword with my right hand but I think I have done fairly well.

I think that was some of the reason I could not get out of the way of the wind scar when my brother used it against me the day that I met Rin. I was still trying to work out being slightly off balance and at that time I was using a different arm, larger and heavier than I was used to. We of course were engaged in another battle, which I will get into at another time, but needless to say I was seriously wounded.

I needed to just go and rest, allow my demon metabolism to heal the wounds. I thought I had found a hidden spot but there she was, behind a tree looking at me. I hissed at the child to frighten her off, she was frightened but she did not leave.

The first day I was there I had passed out from the pain and the loss of blood, when I awoke my arm and other wounds were cleaned and crudely bandaged, she must have done it. I cannot figure out how she did not wake me, she must have been most gentle.

Everyday I was there she brought me food even when I told her I would not eat it. Even when she was beaten for the food she gave to me, she still came, and she smiled at me when I did nothing more than look at her and speak to her.

I did not understand her motives then and I am not sure I understand them now of why she stayed and aided me and why she stays with me still. Perhaps she was just tired of being alone. Perhaps it was her kind nature that did not want to see another suffer. But none the less, in my heart, I was glad she was there. I have never really had another care for me and it was a pleasant feeling.

I eventually healed, my retainer again joining me. I had not seen the girl in a couple of days and figured she had grown tired of playing nurse maid. I was hugely surprised to find her this time, dead, mauled by wolves by the look of the wounds and the scent that permeated the air around her. To my toads surprise and mine, I took Tenseiga and brought her back. This was the first time I ever used the sword in this manner. I held her in my arms and watched her breathe and open her eyes. When I released my own breath it was then that I realized I had been holding it. That smile was there again, she had captured me with it.

Of course Jaken thought it to be nothing more than a test of the swords power and I did not deign to tell him differently. I did not want her to die that way. It was unbefitting of someone so kind and I did owe her more than to walk away as if her aid meant nothing to me. So I brought her back and she has been with me ever since.

At first she would not speak, but now she does and I am glad for it. I did not enjoy her haunted looks and withdrawn quietness. She is happy, mischievous and can be quite the chatterbox at times. She is always kind and caring. Even when she torments Jaken it is with a kind heart so I allow it. She will, I am sure, grow into quite a beauty with her brown hair and eyes, her pretty features and her cheerful, loving personality. How I will miss her when she grows and leaves me for a husband. But I do not have to worry about that for awhile, she is only eight years old, I have time left to be with her.

I try to teach her the important things a girl should know, how to behave properly, how to walk and talk with grace and dignity. I have even taught her some calligraphy and I read poems to her, when Jaken is not around. I do not wish him to see this softer side of myself. It would not do to have the servant see such a weakness in his lord, a weakness that this small child has given me. Perhaps it is a weakness I have always had.

My name means Killing Perfection but nothing could really be further from the truth. I abhor killing and do it only to protect myself or my children. Does that surprise you dear reader? That I, an unfeeling demon lord, do not like to take the life of another? I am good at it but I do not like it, it pains me to destroy another for pitiful reasons such as land or money or power. I cannot kill my brother, who thoroughly maddens me with his cockiness and uncouthness. His group thinks that I will and I allow that but in reality I do not wish him dead. But I must keep up the façade of the cruel assassin, for my lands and the lives of those I care for would be in danger if others thought me weak.

We had travelled together for a year; she was seven when I brought her back from the dead. I cannot believe how lonely I was before her entrance into my life. It feels good to have someone to protect and care for and she cares for me in return. I do not feel I have done anything to deserve that caring though, but still she does.

Rin is my anchor in kindness. She has opened my heart to it and I think of others more than I did in the past.

I had, over the years, become bitter and closed off. I never had friends as a child. I was a prince and someday I was to be lord so one of my rank did not play with the servant children. My tutors continually were at me to show no emotion, to feel no compassion. For that would be a hindrance in battle. There were no others my age and my status so I spent all my time alone studying or with the adults, who I must admit, were boring. In regard to my social education I am lacking, I feel uncomfortable around others, I never know what to say so I say nothing, which I imagine furthers my reputation as being uncaring, aloof and pompous.

I was very excited to find out that I would have a brother, someone to play with and teach, someone to look up to me, but sadly that was not to be. He hates me and I must let him continue to do so even if it saddens me.

Having Rin lets me have what I missed as a younger man, a family. Perhaps that is another reason I revived her, to have a family that I cannot have any other way. I have not been with a female and have no interest to do so. I actually prefer the company of men, even though I have not lain with one either.

We, my brother and I, are the last of our kind. Eventually the inu line will die out or be bred out. Do not get me wrong, I have no bias against mating with humans or another demon of a different species, but really, what is the point. In the end the line will die, continued mating will not change that and is only delaying the inevitable. So in Rin I have a daughter without the complication of a mate that I cannot please.

Inuyasha closed the book he had found after the last battle with his brother. He could not believe what he had just read. He supposed he shouldn't have read even this first page, but curiosity had overcome his better judgement when he had seen that flowing script, and now, he sat in the tree with a stunned look on his face. He quickly tucked the book into his haori when he heard Kagome's footsteps under the tree.

"Inuyasha, what are you doing up there? Supper is ready, "she called up to him.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," he replied, jumping out of the tree and landing lightly before her, putting his grumpy face on. He followed her back to the village, his thoughts muddled, hoping that everyone would go to bed quickly so he could read further.

Sesshoumaru sighed deeply. He had gone back to the area that he and his brother had fought in and still could not find it. He supposed he could begin again but didn't really have the heart to. He glared ruefully at his ripped haori; he was so sure that when Inuyasha had slashed out at him with his claws and ripped the cloth that that was when the book had fallen out.

He couldn't remember when the last time he had taken the diary out so he could have lost it somewhere else. He had done that before and had spent days searching for it only to find it where he had laid it after writing in it. He had forgotten to put it back in his pocket as he normally did and had left it behind at one of their camps.

He walked back into the forest planning on checking out their previous camp to see if that is indeed what he had done.


	2. Second Entry Rin's Friend Koneko

AN: This chapter was supposed to be up Sunday night but wouldn't let me download documents for some weird reason – argh! Anyways, here's the next chapter, sorry it's late.

Chapter 2: Second Entry - Rin's Friend Koneko

Inuyasha leapt up into the tree above his companions and waited until he knew for sure everyone was sleeping. He pulled out the book that he had hidden in his haori and just looked at it for a moment. _I really shouldn't read this, _he thought, fingering the leather binding. _I never would have thought that he cared so much for that girl. Has he been lying all this time about hating humans?_ _Who are these other kids he hinted at?_

His thoughts were confused, he had no idea that his brother liked men in that way, and that he was a virgin at his age, it made Inuyasha blush slightly remembering the personal information that was contained in the book in his hand. _He would kill me for sure if he knew I read that. _

His brother had written of him also and it seemed as if he was more irritated by him than actually hateful towards him. _Why does Sesshoumaru want me to hate him?_ These things he could not figure out on his own so he looked at the book again and opened it.

It was Rin who brought my attention to the second of my children. Her name is Koneko, a pretty neko hanyou, although she was not so pretty when I first saw her.

Rin had gone off into a village we were near to buy supplies and a treat for herself. I allow that, she had to learn to take care of herself but I am always near enough to aid her should she so require it. She came back in tears, crying so hard that at first I could not fathom what she was saying. After much soothing she finally sobbed out her story.

It appeared that in the village Rin had found the neko child in a cage, the villagers were keeping the girl trapped as they believed her to be bad luck and nothing more than an animal. I wonder if that is how my brother was seen?

I did something then that I do not normally do, I followed my Rin into the village to see this for myself. It was most disturbing. The cage was set into the ground and the girl was in there, barely clothed, cowering in the corner. I could see bruises on her as she sat in her own filth and mud, the stench was horrible.

The villagers were quite fearful of my presence as they should be and no one interfered. I sometimes cannot fathom the cruelty of humans, and they call me a monster. Without words I reached down and yanked the top of the cage clean off. The cat did not even squirm as I lifted her out and placed her on her feet. I then turned and began to walk away but stopped, hearing two sets of light footsteps behind me. Rin had the girls hand in hers and was dragging her after me. The child looked and smelt fearful but not overly so and seemed fairly complacent, albeit nervous to bend to Rin's wishes to come with us. I turned to my ward.

"Rin, what are you doing?"

"Sesshoumaru-sama, please can she come with us, she has no one else and they may capture her again and do worse," my kind hearted child pleaded.

How that child can manipulate me so. I can never refuse her anything. I kept my stoic face on and looked to the other girl who tightened her grip on Rin's hand but did not look away from my scrutiny. I am not sure if it was the thought of my own hanyou brother's hard life or Rin's large pleading eyes that caused me to accept her but I turned and began to walk away saying over my shoulder "Rin, be sure she has a bath and clean clothing."

I resisted the urge to clamp my hands over my ears at the high pitched, happy squeal of my human child. Back at the camp both girls headed for the hot springs not far from where we were and I must say I was pleasantly surprised at what I saw when they returned.

Rin had given the neko girl one of her kimonos, in fact, one of her nicer ones. It is white with mauve stripes that represent ribbons running over the shoulders and down the front. Entwined with the ribbon are pink sakura blossoms, my favourite flower, the entire garment tied with a copper colored obi. The garment only came to just below the knee of the girl as she is taller than Rin.

I would have guessed her age to be about twelve years. She has short wavy, unruly copper colored hair. Same colored kitten ears adorn the top of her head. Her face is small featured with burnished golden eyes that slant up at the edges and slitted pupils like those of her kind. She is too thin, probably from lack of food but I can tell that even with some fattening up she will remain svelte. When I look to her hands I almost think she has no claws, so human her nails look, but upon closer inspection I can see the tips are pointed. I come to learn later that they are retractable and when extended are most efficient weapons.

She remains nervously still under my inspection, staring at me with those eyes darker than mine with hope glittering in their depths.

"What is your name?" I ask her.

"Koneko my lord," she answers, bowing to me.

I am pleased; at least she has some manners. Rin is staring from me to her, hope also in her eyes. I am sure she has instructed the hanyou in the best way to please me to ensure that she stays. I think that another child will be good for my Rin. I do not want her to grow up as I did, with no friends and only adults to keep you company. She deserves to have as normal as a childhood as I can give her. I am not able to play with her and Jaken hates it. Perhaps one more around will not be such a burden. She is certainly old enough to care for herself and being a half demon she can provide additional protection for Rin as well as companionship.

"You may stay," I tell her, watching as both girls grab each other's hand and smile happily. It almost makes me want to smile but of course that would not be wise to let my mask slip. If anyone knew I cared it would be something to use against me, so I treat them as no more than servants, pretending they don't matter.

Jaken is not pleased but would not dare to go against my wishes, so he just groans and grumbles under his breath as is his wont to do and goes about the business of cooking food for the children. I do not require my food cooked, I find it takes most of the taste away. I do tolerate some human food for the benefit of Rin, but it must be full flavoured for my palate. To be most truthful there is one human delicacy that I do enjoy, most unbefitting of a tai-youkai such as myself but I cannot pass up pocky. The salty, chocolate combination is pure heaven in my mouth. I wonder if Koneko prefers cooked food over raw. Oddly enough I wonder what my brother prefers.

Over the time that we are together I come to find the cat will eat most anything, cooked or raw although it is a chore to get her to eat any kind of vegetable. She will only do so if I order her to and then with a sour face. Her favourite item is, not surprisingly, milk, which I try my best to attain for her.

It appears that Koneko had been in that cage for almost two years. Her mother had been killed by the villagers, she did not know her father, and she had been captured for their amusement. What amusement she will not say but it angers me that anyone could do that to a child.

I know my own brother had a hard time as a child. I would have loved nothing more than to have him home with me but I was too young. Barely sixteen and thrust into the position of lord at the time of his birth, uncertain of my own powers and abilities to walk in my lords footsteps. A frightful thing to me at the time, how could I hope to be as good a lord as my father? I still try my best so as not to dishonour his memory.

My father's advisers wanted my hanyou brother destroyed, seeing him as a taint upon our father's blood. I could not allow that so I sent him and his mother away, back to her people in the hopes they would take the two of them in. I am sure our father would have wanted this.

He had his mother for awhile but when she died I know it hurt him terribly. I made sure he was put with people who would care for him until he was able to care for himself. There were those who would have loved nothing more than to kill him, I needed to protect him so I hid him as best I could.

It was not easy for him as others did not want to have him around. He is of both worlds, as is Koneko, demon and human, but of neither really. I wish a better life for my kitten, one I was unable to give to my brother.

I did the best I could for him and thought he had found a good life when he met and fell in love with the miko woman. He seemed happy but happiness is a fleeting thing and that woman betrayed my brother and pinned him to a tree. It broke my heart to see him so and I visited him often until one day he wasn't there. I found out later that another miko, the reincarnation of his betrayer, had set him free. So now he travels with her and his small band and I can not change the past so I allow him to think I hate him, for his own protection.

He is chasing the shikon jewel and trying to defeat that insidious Naraku, he does not need the added burden of those of my court trying to destroy him so he cannot take over the western lands. If they believe that I will kill him they will leave him alone.

Inuyasha closed the book. _He knew the life I had? He must have been watching me all that time. I can't believe he was trying to protect me, and still is._ _He almost sounds like he cares for me, but that can't be right, can it?_ He felt like running to find his older sibling to tell him that he didn't need his protection and that he was strong enough to take care of himself. But then Sesshoumaru would know he read his book, that he had violated his privacy. Plus he wanted to read more. He did not want to pass up this opportunity to finally know the workings of his brother's mind. Who would have thought the great lord liked pocky, a child's treat. Inuyasha grinned at the thought of his stoic brother sucking on the chocolaty sticks.

"Inuyasha," he heard a groggy voice from below him. "It's late, why are you still awake? Is anything wrong?" asked Miroku quietly so as not to wake the girls.

"No, everything is fine. Go back to sleep."

Inuyasha waited until her again heard the steady breathing of sleep. He was tired himself and probably should settle down, dawn was not that far off. He slipped the book into his haori and closed his eyes feeling angry that his brother had never trusted his abilities to take care of himself and confusion at the feelings his brothers seemed to have for him.

_It must just be guilt that makes him write those things, he really doesn't care. He must know I don't want his stupid lands._ Inuyasha frowned, crossing his arms over his chest. After a few minutes he began to drift off, the last thing he thought before sleep claimed him was _He visited me, when I was pinned to the Goshinboku tree. And I like my food cooked. _


	3. Third Entry Koneko's Darker Side

Chapter 3: Third Entry – Koneko's Darker Side

Having Koneko with us has proven to be a wise decision. I have not seen Rin so happy. Her bubbling personality has increased two fold. Even Jaken is happier, or as happy as he can get I suppose as the two girls keep each other company and out of his hair most of the time.

I am amused at the game Koneko has taught Rin. It is called Pounce and on the occasional time they decide to torment my retainer I must watch with some glee. I do not hate Jaken, he has always been loyal to me and it may seem that I care not for his feelings by allowing my girls to torment him, but he can be aggravating at times and so I allow myself a little pleasure at his expense.

The game consists of the girls stalking the toad as quietly as they can and then pouncing on him when he least expects it. On the plus side he is getting very observant because of the game, which aids me, and the girls are unknowingly learning a fighting skill, which will aid me in the future.

Since finding the hanyou, Koneko has come into her own. She is a bit aloof, quiet and reserved at times but generally a happy child. I catch her watching me often and trying to emulate me, even as to my expressions, which surprisingly, she has captured quite well. I have seen her trying to practice my battle moves and I believe I will take the time to teach her. She is quite athletic and would make a good fighter, and although she will never have the strength that I have, she is certainly quick and agile.

Do not let her age fool you she can be quite a fighter now, although she does have a darker side which, I must confess, worries me. It appeared for the first time a few days ago.

Periodically she goes off by herself and one of these times I followed. When I found her she had a small demon beast at her disposal. I watched as they fought, pleased that she seemed to be able to hold her own. She soon had the demon cornered and I became alarmed when I saw that she was not just fighting the beast, but torturing it as well. When it would try to get away, she would hold it down and use her claws on it then release it to only capture it again.

This was the first time that I saw her claws used as weapons. They are quite long and she had scratched and dug them into the creature in non-lethal places, making it bleed but not killing it outright. What I found the most disturbing was her expression of complete satisfaction, she was enjoying it. I am unsure if this is a learned behaviour from being in that cage and being tormented herself for so long or typical of the cat race, perhaps a combination of both but I needed to put a stop to it for her own peace of mind.

"Koneko," I said as I stepped into view.

She showed definite surprise, she had not known I was there.

"Either kill the creature of let it go, torture does not suit you, nor is it honourable."

She had the decency to look chastened and sheathed her claws allowing the creature to scamper away as quickly as possible. I was glad to see that evil, gleeful look leave her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Lord Sesshoumaru," she apologized. "I did not want to displease you."

"A good warrior will fight only when necessary and kill only when other options are unavailable. Tomorrow I will start your training in this regard."

She looked surprised but somewhat happy and followed me back to the camp when I turned and left.

Inuyasha looked up from his reading, surprised again by his brother. He had no idea that Sesshoumaru thought about such things as honour. To think his unfeeling brother had been distressed at the plight of another was mind boggling to the hanyou. Knowing that he had taken in a hanyou also left him puzzled. _He always says that hanyou's are worthless creatures and now he's going to teach her to fight, show her concern. I don't get it._ As he thought about it a stab of jealousy went through him. _Why couldn't he have done that for me?_ He quickly put the book away as his companions came into view.

He had scouted ahead of them to make sure the area was clear of demons and also so he could have some time to read; now they had caught up.

"About time you guys showed up," he said huffily, still somewhat hurt by the thought of his brother not wanting to aid or teach him.

"Let's find a place to rest for awhile, Sango and I will make some ramen for lunch," Kagome answered, wondering what had gotten up Inuyasha's butt this time. He seemed pensive and had been so for a couple of days. She was hoping his mood would lift with the mention of his favourite meal.

It did the trick and a smirk appeared on his face, his eyes lighting up. "I know the perfect spot," he told them leading them off the road and into the forest.


	4. Fourth Entry Jaken

Chapter 4: Fourth Entry – Jaken

I am pleased with the progress Koneko is making with her fighting skills. She is an extremely quick learner and a good pupil. Rin has joined in as well but I'm afraid her forte is more in diplomacy rather than the martial arts.

Koneko is most like me in personality and if it wasn't for the fact that we are different species, I'm sure most would consider her my biological daughter. I try not to allow her to bottle up her emotions as I have done, but I am unsure how to stop her from doing so. It has been painful for me and I do not wish the same for her. To never laugh or cry is harmful. I cannot remember the last time I have shed tears and I have not laughed in so long I do not know if I am even able to. Perhaps being around these two will change that for me. They do give me a great amount of joy, even if I am unsure how to show that feeling.

I should not forget my retainer, Jaken. He too has given me more than he knows. I was extremely lonely before he came to be with me.

His tribe was in some kind of battle and a female demon had him in her claws and was going to kill him when I arrived on the scene. I have always hated to see the weaker being picked on and the poor toad was certainly no match for this woman. I told her to move as she was in my way, she, of course, refused and dug her claws deeper into the green skin. It angered me when I heard his small squeak of pain so I used my whip and killed her in one blow. Her refusal to move was a perfect excuse for battle and a good cover for my feelings of protectiveness.

Satisfied that I had done the proper thing I continued on my way, the smaller demons allowing me to pass. I soon heard running feet behind me and Jaken prostrated himself before me thanking me for saving him and dedicating his life to me as my servant. I had no idea how to respond to that so I continued on, hoping that he would just leave me in peace. He continued to follow me, again thanking me and telling me he would stay by me to return the life debt he felt he owed me. Who was I to argue, I was so tired of always being alone.

If you have never felt true loneliness then you do not know how it rips your heart, it is a horrible thing to not have another to care for you or for you to care for. There is an emptiness inside your soul that never abates, it is a most depressing feeling.

So I continued to the waterfalls where I knew the staff of two heads to be. I gave it to the toad and told him that if he could use it he could stay in my care. It sounds harsh I know but I knew of no other way to accept him without losing face, as I said my social skills are not the best. He has been a most loyal companion if a sometimes aggravating one, but I would not have him leave me. I would miss him too much. He toke away some of that killing loneliness and for that I am eternally grateful.

I am unsure of his exact age, but I do know he is elderly. I can see it in the way he walks and in the way he sometimes uses the staff to aid him. Someday he will be unable to continue with me and I will care for him when that day comes but for now he accompanies me on my quest to defeat Naraku and has come to my aid many times in battle. I find it amusing how fiercely protective he is of me when he is the one that needs protecting more than I.

_He actually likes that toad? _Inuyasha asked himself, looking up momentarily from the book. He was surprised to learn how lonely his brother had been, and for the first time, felt sorry for Sesshoumaru. _We have something in common in that, brother. I know some of that loneliness too._

Still he had Kagome, Miroku, Shippo, Sango and Kirara, all who would fight for him to the death if need be, and he knew they really cared for him. It seemed to him that his older brother was the one doing all the protecting; there was no one to protect him. For some reason that thought bothered the hanyou and he began to feel uncomfortable at the feelings his brother's writings were inducing in him. He was beginning to realize that maybe his brother was more complicated than he thought.

He looked up from the log he was sitting on by the meadow he had gone off to for some privacy, and not seeing or sensing the others, he again opened the book.

Jaken has proven useful for looking out for the girls when I cannot be with them. He hates to be relegated to babysitter but it is for his own good as well. I do not wish him to come to harm and Naraku has a new, more powerful body now. My brother has also grown in power and ability. Jaken, in his foolish wish to protect me, will most likely get himself killed so I keep him away from any fighting as much as I can.

There are times when I cannot do that and it surprises me at how accomplished he has become with that staff. When Naraku gave me that human arm to defeat my brother, he kept the others at bay by himself. Such a small demon against three humans, he does impress me at times.

I actually had gone there with the intention of showing my stupid brother how to wield the thing. I had been watching and he still had not mastered the technique.

Having that human arm made it easier for me to take the sword and show him, although he thought I was going to keep it. I must admit the thought had crossed my mind. I killed one hundred demons with that sword and hopefully he could see how it was done. That miko girl must have thought I was going to kill him as she shot her arrow at the Tetsusaiga and purified it back to its original form.

I must say that I was not going to kill him, but I was angry and losing my temper, something I loathe doing. I'm not even sure why I was so angry. Jealousy perhaps or perhaps it was the fact that he had left me totally alone when he was sealed to the Goshinboku and it seemed to me, at that time, that he was falling back into the same old trap with this new wench.

I looked at that girl, so like the other that had betrayed my sibling and I struck out at her, more in warning that to do any real damage, I only knocked her out. Who was she to interfere between myself and my brother? Inuyasha again ripped the arm from my body and I was so furious, I put my right arm directly through his body in my anger. Thank goodness I had the presence of mind not to rip through anything vital.

So then I left, letting him keep the sword and letting him believe that he had defeated me to gain it. I must say that I was proud of my little servant for doing such an adept job at keeping the others out of mine and my brother's fight. And even if he is at times an aggravation and a pest, he is no coward and will aid me without thought for himself. I have never had anyone want to do that for me before and I still find it humbling.

_What the fuck? What does he mean he let me think I had defeated him; I did defeat him the arrogant bastard!_

Inuyasha closed the book with a snap, but the more he thought of that day the more unsure he became.

He had seen when his brother had destroyed those one hundred demons so he should have been able to do the same to them, but he hadn't. He had been so scared for Kagome that day but she had nothing more than a few bruises. His brother should have been able to easily kill her. Why hadn't he? And even though his wounds were bad, they were not fatal and he healed._ I was so sure he wanted me dead, have I been wrong?_

Inuyasha stood up from the log and stretched before walking back towards his friends, the book still in his hands.


	5. Fifth Entry The Boys

Chapter 5: Fifth Entry – The Boys

It has been awhile since I've written here but I now find myself with two more children, Bougumaru and Chame. Bougumaru is a human boy approximately thirteen years old, Chame, nine, is a fox demon. I found the two of them together and took them both in. I know the girls have made me soft and if I do not control my wayward impulses I am sure I will soon be trailed by every orphan in Japan.

I had gone into a rather large village to get supplies and some items necessary for the girls. Normally I hate entering any human habitations as I am either harassed until I am forced into a confrontation or everyone quakes in fear and I cannot get any service at all. The only reason I did so was I wanted to get the girls a present, a reward if you will, for their hard work in their studies and their help at our camps. And I wanted it to be from me. These two make me foolishly sentimental at times.

As I was looking though the stands and shops I passed a tea house . Being thirsty and not having had a decent cup of tea in awhile (Jaken cannot make good tea to save his soul) I went inside.

The establishment owner was immediately nervous and did everything but lick my boots to please me. I was thoroughly disgusted and would have left when he pushed these two boys into the booth I was in. I soon realized that this was no normal tea house, these boys, in kimonos indecently short, were there to provide pleasure to me.

Bougumaru, the elder, came and poured the tea and then sat in my lap. I leapt up, I could feel the blood pooling in my face. This was just so wrong and anger quickly replaced embarrassment. I was going to go and slice the owner of this disgusting establishment in as many pieces as I could when the human boy jumped in front of me, the younger fox demon looked absolutely terrified and I believe Bougumaru thought I was going to harm him.

He showed such boldness and absolutely no fear of me although I am sure I must have looked fearful. He had piqued my interest.

"Look, you can do what you want with me, but I won't let you touch my friend," he told me as he stood in front of the small demon holding his arms out to bar my way towards the fox.

"I do not wish to do anything with either of you," I replied angrily. "I could kill you both now if I so wished."

Both boys blanched visibly but still the human would not back down.

"Why did you come in here then if not for…well, you know."

"I wanted some tea," I told him steadily.

Kami help me but I felt for these two. They had probably had to do things that children should not even know about. Bougumaru's brown eyes looked far too old, and Chame, he seemed broken to me. It was then that the owner picked that time to barge in, screaming at the boys and apologizing for their insolence, promising me that they would be punished. I just reached out without saying a word and snapped his neck . I dropped the body to the floor and walked out saying, "Come."

I think Bougumaru realized he should not look a gift horse in the mouth so I left the village with two more in tow. The girls were more than happy to see the new members of our family, Jaken stood dumbfounded and just shook his head. I let that indiscretion pass as I was shaking my head at myself internally. I had to send Jaken back to get the supplies I had not bought, and to pick up decent clothing for the two boys.

Bougumaru is quite tanned, he must have spent sometime outside, and wears his long, black hair in a braid. He is quite fastidious about his appearance, almost as bad as myself. He could almost pass for a girl, his features are so feminine and his build so slight. I still cannot believe the gall he had to stand up to me as he did.

He is boisterous, bossy and brash ; of all of them he reminds me most of Inuyasha. He hates to be told what to do and he drives me crazy with the way he questions my commands at times. There are instances when my temper flares and I must remind myself that he is still young and a human. If I were to strike him, I would do him permanent damage.

I believe he enjoys testing my patience, either that or he has a secret death wish. Still he is very protective of our group and helps out in everyway possible. He has the most wonderful smile. I think he feels that to show that he cares is a weakness so he will be quite gruff with the other children at times to hide his true feelings. Again, much like my brother I believe. The others do not seem to take him seriously so I do not interfere. Surprisingly, the one he seems to really like is Jaken and he will not allow the others to bother the toad . I do believe that my retainer has developed quite a fondness for him because of this.

Chame is the fox demon child. Very small with long pointed elf like ears and fox feet. He has short, blonde hair and large, round, green eyes. A blonde fox tail with a white tip trails behind him.

He carries with him a tan fur boa, much shorter than mine and whereas I wear my family heirloom over one shoulder, he carries his encircling both of his.

His temperament is very quiet, subdued, more than it should be. I have not yet seen him smile or laugh. I shudder to think what he has been forced to do to make him so serious at such a tender age. He is quite thoughtful and the smartest of my group of four. He is quick to figure a problem and I'm sure, could cause much mischief if he was so inclined. He sticks closely to Bougumaru, afraid to leave the older boys side.

As I look at my group I begin to realize that in one way or another we are all damaged, myself included. Perhaps that is the appeal and attraction we have for each other, we recognize each other as kindred souls.

"Hey, what have you got there Inuyasha?" Shippo asked, grabbing the book out of the hanyou's hands.

So engrossed in reading about the two new members to his brother's group he hadn't noticed the fox watching him curiously as he read. He had not even noticed when Shippo had entered the hut.

"Hey! Give that back now, Shippo," Inuyasha yelled, giving chase to the now squealing demon child. He was just about to grab the kit when Kagome walked into the hut and onto the scene.

"Inuyasha, sit boy!" she exclaimed as Shippo jumped into her arms, large crocodile tears pouring from his eyes.

"I just wanted to see what he was reading," Shippo whimpered before turning and sticking his tongue out at Inuyasha. He handed Kagome the book he had stolen from the hanyou.

Kagome opened it curiously and began to read the first page before Inuyasha could rise from the spell and stop her.

"Where did you get this?" she asked, her eyes going wide as she glanced over the elegantly written words. "This is Sesshoumaru's."

Finally able to push himself from the floor her stalked over to the human girl and snatched the book from her hands. "I found it. After that last battle with him, it was lying in the grass."

"That was five days ago, you need to give that back to him, Inuyasha," Kagome said getting a bit defensive. She knew she certainly wouldn't want anyone to read her diary. "That's private, you shouldn't be reading it."

"Well I can't give it back now, he'll know that I've been reading it," Inuyasha huffed at her as if she was the stupidest person around, a blush rising to his face.

Sango and Miroku entered the hut overhearing the last part of the conversation. "Who will know you've been reading? And what have you been reading?" asked Miroku innocently.

"Inuyasha found Sesshoumaru's diary," stated Kagome.

"He's going to kill you," gasped out Sango

"What's in it?" Miroku asked. "All his conquests I suppose." The monk wiggled his eyebrows in a hentai manner.

"No. Why are you always such a pervert? He hasn't…" Inuyasha shut his mouth quickly.

This only piqued Miroku's curiosity more. "He hasn't what? He's not a virgin is he?" Miroku questioned incredulously. He began to laugh merrily at the rosy blush running over the hanyou's face. "I can't believe the great Sesshoumaru is a virgin, that's just too funny."

"Shut up, Miroku. You don't know anything." Inuyasha was getting quite irritated and started to leave the hut.

"Is this why you've been so quiet lately?" Kagome asked him. She too was curious as to what else was written in that book, she had only skimmed the first page quickly and had seen it was about Rin and she had also seen Inuyasha's name in there. "Did he write something bad about you?"

"Not really," the hanyou answered, looking down.

"Read it to us," quipped up Shippo.

"No, just leave me alone." Inuyasha tucked the book back into his haori and stomped out of the hut, running off into the forest.

"I didn't mean to offend him," Miroku sighed feeling badly that he had made his friend upset.

"He'll cool down, we'll talk to him when he comes back," Kagome stated, trying to think of a way to get Inuyasha to tell her what was written in the book or to get the book herself to read.

"If Sesshoumaru finds out we have that book, he's going to be very angry. I think we should find a way to get it back to him," Sango stated, worried at the thought of what the demon lord would do to them all if he knew his diary was in the hands of the brother she thought he hated.


	6. Sixth Entry Bouts Of Melancholy

Chapter 6: Sixth Entry – Bouts of Melancholy

Inuyasha jumped up into the tree. He was close to their hut just in case but he knew he was far enough away that the others wouldn't bother to try and follow him.

_Damn that Shippo,_ he thought angrily. He saw the curious look that Kagome had given the book and knew that at some point she would want to know what was in it._ If I refuse to tell her she's going to sit me into next week. _

He was at a quandary as to what to do. He realized that he should give the book back, that at some point he was going to have to before his brother found out somehow that he did have it. He shuddered at the thought of what an extremely angry Sesshoumaru could and would do. _He might not kill me but I bet he can make things pretty painful. Shit, what am I going to do?_

Inuyasha looked at the book he was holding in his hands, caressing his fingers over it. _Well I've gone this far, it won't make any difference if I keep reading it now, _he thought trying to assuage his guilt. With a sigh he settled down in a comfortable position and opened to the page he had left off at.

Today has not been a good day for me. Occasionally I find myself plagued by bouts of melancholy for no apparent reason, sometimes, as today, I have to leave my group for privacy, the feelings of depression too much to bear in the company of others.

I have a special spot I go and I am writing from there now. I am at the top of a mountain completely covered in snow in the small cave I found here centuries ago. It is so cold here that even my demon senses can feel it and I must wear the brown, bear fur coat that I keep here in order to keep from freezing. It is very peaceful in this empty place; there are no humans, no demons, just myself and my thoughts. It is a good place to reflect on my life.

Sometimes the memories are welcome and in that instance I know I will not need to be here long. Other times they are harsh and my time here will be extended until I can fight back the suffocating emotions that wish to burst from me. Today, I fear I will be here for awhile.

Having Rin, Koneko, Bougumaru and Chame with me has brought up memories of my own youth. Chame will not speak of his time at the tea house so I know what ever has happened to him has been bad. Bougumaru shrugs everything off as if being in the business of pleasuring men with his body was nothing of importance. I can see in his eyes that he is lying, not just to me, but to himself as well. Koneko tries to push any emotions she may feel down. A defence mechanism I can understand but instead of the emptiness that I can portray, she exhibits an evilness that concerns me with its intensity. Rin is plagued by nightmares and even though they are getting better, I cannot seem to make them stop. There are days when I feel I am harming these children more than helping them and am uncertain what to do about it.

One thing I do understand is the feeling of being unwanted and unworthy of love. My mother died at my birth and I was raised in my father's castle by servants. When I was old enough to notice, I realized my father would avoid me most of the time unless to give me a specific task. He would sometimes look at me with the strangest expression, to this day I know not what it meant.

I do know that my own father did not love me. Perhaps he blamed the death of his mate on me, I do not know the reason, but never in my time with him did he show me any kind of affection or concern. Even the nannies and instructors that I had would only pretend to care. They had to; I was the lord's son.

I remember a time when I was quite young, maybe five or six and had hurt myself in some manner or another. I had run to my father and wrapped my arms around his leg, crying and begging to be picked up. He stood so still, never offering any comfort, only telling me that it was unseemly for a prince of the Inu clan to cry over something so inconsequential, then, he walked away. I cannot remember shedding any tears after that incident. I hoped only to please him so that someday I would be worthy of his love. In this I know I failed.

The day he died, I felt as I do at times, numb, as if it was happening to someone else. That day, before he left to save Inuyasha's mother, he told me I was his only regret. What a thing to hear, that he never wanted me and there had been nothing I could have done to win him over. I pushed the hurt down until I felt nothing. Sometimes I frighten myself at how easily I can push my own emotions away from myself and become as an unfeeling, empty shell.

It was not long after that that I received the Tenseiga. That was the day I realized that there was no one that would care for my feelings. It was tied to a tree with my name on it; I am sure by Myoga or Totosai. No one even bothered to give it to me personally or to even ask how I was feeling at the death of my father. Did they not think that I mourned? That sent me into a week long downward spiral until I was able to gain control over myself. It was also the first time I got completely drunk, for three days if I am remembering correctly. I haven't touched sake since.

That was not the worst episode I have had. The worst was when I found the Goshinboku empty of my brother's body. As I have written earlier I would go to the tree from time to time to talk to him. Foolish I know but it made me feel better in an odd way to tell him of my day, my desires and my dreams. It was like he was still alive and that we were proper brothers.

That day when I saw an empty spot where my brother's body should have been shocked me. I sat on the ground confused, maybe a bit frightened if I want to be completely honest with myself. I was now truly alone, without another that I could even pretend cared if I existed.

I do not remember everything of that time, it was if I just left myself for awhile, but when I did come back, the ground and I were covered in blood. I am sure I tried to slice my wrists open but of course the wounds would heal before any major damage was done. I do not remember, even to this day, doing it but I must have. The dagger was in my hand. Such a feeling of utter loneliness and depression I have not ever had since and I hope to never experience it again. After that day I forbade anyone to mention my brother's name to me again. I think I have figured out why I feel anger towards him, even now. It's because he left me, he made me feel alone, unwanted, unloved.

I do not agree with suicide, it is a coward's way out of a problem, so I come here to battle my demons so to speak. It is so peaceful here, it sooths me. Mostly I sleep until I feel more like myself, other times, when the memories are too intense, I sit and watch the snow drift down, allowing those past times to wash over me until they are gone from my system. I think I will sleep now.

Inuyasha angrily wiped the tears from his eyes. He couldn't figure out why he couldn't stop the salty water from flowing. He surprised himself to hear a sob exit his mouth. One sob became two and the more he thought about how utterly alone his brother must have felt, how alone he himself had felt at times, it only made him cry harder. He suddenly realized how alike he and Sesshoumaru were, at least with these feelings of not belonging and nobody caring. He knew his brother was worried about the kids too, and as much as it astonished him, really wanted to help them.

"Inuyasha, are you okay?" Kagome asked from below the tree. She had gone looking for him when he hadn't returned after a couple of hours. She could hear him sobbing above her and it made her want to cry hearing him in such distress.

Inuyasha dropped down out of the tree, book in hand and wrapped his arms around Kagome, burying his face into her shoulder as his own shoulders convulsed.

"Inuyasha," she whispered, her eyes filling with tears as well. She put her arms around him and held him tighter to her, hoping to comfort him.

"He tried to kill himself," he choked out between sobs, "Because I wasn't there."

"Who tried to kill themselves? Where were you supposed to be?" Kagome asked confused as to what he was talking about.

Inuyasha tried to gain control over himself, taking huge breaths to stop himself from this feeling he couldn't even put into words.

"Sesshoumaru, he tried to kill himself. He used to come to the Goshinboku tree and talk to me when I was sealed there. When you released me and we left, he came and couldn't find me, and he felt I left him alone."

Kagome looked at Inuyasha in shock. She could not fathom that his older brother would even care about him, let alone try to commit suicide just because he had been released from the tree.

Inuyasha saw her incredulous expression and just handed the book to her. "Read," he told her as the two of them sat on the grass.


	7. Seventh Entry Battles

Chapter 7: Seventh Entry – Battles

I now have only two that are training with the martial arts, Koneko and Bougumaru. They both do exceedingly well and make excellent sparring partners for each other. Today I am going to see Totosai to have a sword commissioned for Bougumaru. The boy is an excellent swordsman, for a young human, taking to it like a fish to water. Koneko prefers to use her claws as weapons and the reason I think the two of them have done so well and come so far in their training is that they compete aggressively with each other. This only improves their reflexes and skills. Rin has given up, it is not in her temperament to be a warrior but she does at least know enough to protect herself better than in the past.

Chame will not even attempt to learn, not even to defend himself. It confuses me and I hate to think that he would allow others to dominate him without complaint. Thank goodness Bougumaru stands by him. Those two boys are quite in contrast. I would have thought that the human would be the one to cower but Bougumaru is quite courageous if a bit too brash and sure of himself. It will be his undoing if he doesn't learn to control his impulses. Koneko has been able to get though his defences on more than one occasion because of his wild way of fighting. So like my brother.

Inuyasha has gained more control over the Tetsusaiga now but when he first had it, he was pathetic. It angered me to see how he used our father's great sword. He would wave it around like a wild man and he still had not been able to master the wind scar technique. How bothersome. So I took it upon myself to teach him, but I had to do it in such a way that he would not realize it. If the court of my father found out I was aiding the hanyou it would be a problem.

So I show up with the pretence of trying again to take the Tetsusaiga and the old man Totosai has to interfere and try to protect my brother from me. Inuyasha really doesn't have a clue how to use that sword and I must remedy this at all costs if only for our father's memory.

I fight a dragon to gain another arm and again search out my brother. We engage in battle and I even tell him that he will never be able to beat me if he cannot see the wind scar and unlock Tetsusaiga's true power. How much more prodding does he need? I attack the sword itself again and again to try and get my brother to protect it, to use the wind scar but he still does not seem able to do so.

He is using his sense of sight to much and not his sense of smell so I blind him temporarily with my poison. Finally he is able to smell the wind that collides with my dark energy to create the wind scar. Progress at last, unfortunately for me I made a minor miscalculation and was unable to get out of the way. The Tenseiga is the only reason I am alive today.

That was also the day that I met Rin. I have already told you of her and what she did for me but it still amazes me that such a small child would try to help a fearsome demon such as myself.

I realized after that time that my brother would certainly require more instruction. He could now make the wind scar appear but had no style and finesse in using it. I had previously asked that useless old swordmaker to make me a sword, I needed it to be as strong as the Tetsusaiga itself if I was to continue to help my brother's fighting skill, but he refused. So I went to Kaijinbou, who had previously been Totosai's apprentice, to make me one. I used the fang of Goshinki, a demon my brother had defeated, to forge the sword Toukijin, but it took over Kaijinbou to get revenge on my brother. This was something that I had not planned and I had to go after the wayward sword. Kaijinbou should have known he could not contain the demonic energy of the Toukijin and was destroyed by the sword itself for his foolishness.

Inuyasha's group was so surprised to see me, they tend to be a bit slow at times, it is really a wonder they have all survived as long as they have. That old fool of a swords smith then had the audacity to think the swords aura would possess me. I say now as I said then, who did they think I was? I immensely enjoyed the look I received as I pulled the sword from the ground and contained its energy. I hate to admit it, but it was painful to control that sword. I could feel it trying to gain access to my mind, to make me bend to its will to destroy my brother and gain vengeance for it. But I am good at controlling my feelings and no one was the wiser.

I could sense something was different about Tetsusaiga, so I challenged my brother to battle me. I also am curious about his change of scent previously when he battled that demon, I could have sworn it was demon smell. I needed to see if my suspicions were true.

He is being told by those others not to engage me so I take the decision out of his hands and attack. I can see he is having a hard time lifting the sword at all and then I realize the difference, not only can I sense my father's aura within the sword but also my brother's as well. It seems he must have used his own fang to fix it. Him not able to lift the sword was like taking a step backwards, but no matter, he had to learn to lift it and use it.

I taunted him and we clashed again and I am able to strike the sword from his hand. I wait for him to take the sword so we can continue but then he does a most foolish thing and attacks me with his bare hands. I throw him back with the energy of the Toukijin, hoping he'll see the foolishness in what he is doing. He will get himself killed if he does not learn to wield that sword. My brother is too headstrong and stubborn, not even listening to the flea when it told him to take the Tetsusaiga.

Toukijin takes this opportunity to try to invade my senses and I know that it succeeded to some extent. I had grown angry, letting my mental defences down and soon Toukijin made me feel angrier than I had felt for awhile. I could sense myself losing control and I attacked him again intent on harm, then I smelt the change in him again. I could smell and sense the demon within my brother coming to the fore as he knelt there on the ground waiting for me, I cannot seem to stop; Toukijin is urging me on. If it had not been for Totosai spewing his fire between us, I am unsure as to what would have happened.

That miko girl brought my brother back to himself by the charmed beads around his neck. I saw them glow that day when she said that word and slammed him into the ground. I hope she does not require that spell often; it disturbs me to think of my brother, who has our father's royal blood, being sat like a common mongrel. I will keep watch. If she abuses the charm perhaps I will teach her a lesson in patience.

I gained control of myself, pushing the Toukijin's aura from my mind. That feeling of wanting to kill disturbed me greatly, that I could have been taken over, even that small amount, left a fear in me. I am most careful with Toukijin's aura and it has never been able to claim me like that again, but sometimes I hear its whisper, someday I will destroy it.

I now understood the reason father gave us the swords he did. Tenseiga, the sword of life, would be abused in the hands of mortals, and the same can be said of the Tetsusaiga. In the hands of demons it would be a most destructive weapon. After talking with the great tree Bokusenou, I now know, it seals my brother's demon blood. As I approached him that day I could feel the hatred, the blood lust coming off him in waves. That is not my brother and he would be forever broken to remain such a beast. I often wonder if my father knew of my dislike of taking lives and that is perhaps why he gave me a sword that gives it. Odd thought I suppose, but still I wonder.

Kagome closed the book with a pensive look on her face. "I wonder how often he watches us," she said, looking around nervously, remembering that bit in the book about teaching her patience.

Inuyasha grunted, "He's not here, I'd smell him." The two sat in silence for a bit longer contemplating what they had read.

"Do you think he's being trying to help you all this time and we didn't know?" she asked. It was hard for her to imagine as Sesshoumaru had shown nothing but disdain and hatred towards his brother, or at least she thought he had.

"Seems that way," he agreed.

"I don't understand why he has all these kids, why is he so different than what we thought?" Kagome had to shake her head at all Inuyasha had let her read.

"I don't know. Seems like I don't know anything about my brother," Inuyasha sighed in frustration. "I have to find a way to talk to him. Maybe we could be…," he didn't voice the rest but Kagome could hear the hope there.

"I'm not sure, Inuyasha. Maybe we should talk to Sango and Miroku about this. How is he going to be when he finds out that not only you read the book, but me as well. He might be really mad." Kagome shivered a bit at the thought of it.

The two headed back to camp, walking quietly, each engrossed in their own thoughts.


	8. Eigth Entry Forbidden Love

**This chapter contains mild yaoi innuendo – do not read if you do not like**!

Chapter 8: Eighth Entry – Forbidden Love

"I can't believe it," Sango stated astonished.

"Well, it would seem to put some confusing things in perspective," interjected Miroku. "Like how he never does any permanent damage to you and how he has not killed you when we all know he could have. He has even protected you on at least one occasion that I recall."

"When?" Inuyasha asked, totally confused. He did not remember anytime when his brother was not trying to maim or kill him.

"You remember, Sango. It was when you were fighting the evil sword Sou'unga, Inuyasha; the sword sent a blast towards you…"

"Yes," continued Sango, "Sesshoumaru jumped in the way of the blast, we both saw it."

Inuyasha hadn't even realized what his brother had done.

"And what about the time he told us to use the Tetsusaiga to transform you back into your hanyou form, when you killed all those men," Kagome told him, feeling a bit guilty when she saw the hanyou wince at the memory of his time in his demon form.

"He showed up and attacked me!" Inuyasha complained.

"Yes, he distracted you from the other men and Kagome, but he only knocked you unconscious, he could have killed us all at that time," Miroku mussed.

"I didn't know." Inuyasha was confused. As much as he wanted to think that Sesshoumaru was deluding himself and putting his own spin on their battles he had to admit that his friends were right. For whatever reasons, his brother had spared his life on more than one occasion._ How could I have not seen it? Can I be that wrong about him?_

Kagome spoke to the group again, "I think Sesshoumaru may be experiencing clinical depression at times."

"What's that?" asked Shippo.

"It's sort of when a person is really sad," Kagome tried to explain in a way they would understand, "But you can't control it or make it go away easily."

"Like when he tried to kill himself," intoned Inuyasha.

"That and also what he wrote about sleeping, people with depression can be really tired and they sleep to get away from the world."

"Can we help him?" the hanyou asked.

"I don't know, I don't know enough about it, but I'll look it up next time I go home," Kagome promised.

"If he truly does not enjoy taking lives and he feels no one cares about him that in itself is a reason for this depression. I have felt that sadness in his aura from time to time," Miroku told the group.

"Why didn't you say anything about it?" questioned Inuyasha a bit angrily.

"I didn't think it was important, I thought maybe he was sad he didn't kill you." Miroku threw up his hands in supplication.

"So what do we do now?" asked Sango.

"I don't know yet," answered Inuyasha, "I would like to talk to him, I just need to figure out how to do that without him getting mad."

Everyone agreed that not making Sesshoumaru angry would be a good thing.

I have made a breakthrough with Koneko today. As I have written previously, she has these times where I can sense evilness in her and I did not know what to do to prevent it from taking her over. She has no special sword like my brother's to control her demon side and I must prevent it from breaking through. Today we walked, just the two of us and talked.

"Why do you imitate me?" I asked her.

"Because you fear nothing, you do not feel fear or pain. I wish to not feel those things either."

"You are wrong, I do feel those things, I just do not show it."

"You do?" she questioned, I believe I surprised her.

"Yes, I feel all emotions, the good ones and the bad. I just know how to control them so they do not rule me."

"Will you teach me?" she asked me tentatively reaching around and pulling her tail to her nervously.

"Yes, but first you must embrace these emotions, all of them, do you understand?"

"Even ones I don't want to?" she asked nervously.

"Especially the ones you do not wish to."

We are now working on having her deal with her feelings of hatred and her demons desire to kill. I find she does not seem to be as bothered by killing as I but I will try to instil in her the wrongness of taking a life needlessly. There is not much gained in revenge and I know she wishes to avenge herself against the villagers that kept her captive and destroyed her mother. If I can teach her to let go of these negative emotions I am sure she will be much happier.

Revenge, what a foolish notion; at one time I tried to gain revenge for my father against the cat tribe. And maybe also for myself against the one that had interfered with the love I had for one of her tribe.

Anija was the female cat demon, she tricked my love into believing that I had betrayed him. I know some of this was my fault, our clans, the inus and the cats had been at war when my father had been alive, That was when I met Shuuran, I really had no interest in my father's fight and this boy intrigued me. We fought and I was impressed with his skill as he was with mine, in the end we both just stood and talked while the others fought around us.

We met often after that in secret but Anija found us out and told Shuuran that I was only interested in getting information from him and that I was Inu no Taisho's son . This was something I foolishly had not told him, afraid that he would not want me. When I admitted to being the lord's son he believed her lies and left me. I think she did this as she had her own designs on Shuuran but what could I do. If my father found out, I would be banished from the castle or killed as a traitor. I miss him sometimes even now.

Anija shows up again after over fifty years and tells me to meet at her lords castle, that he is going to be revived to rule the land. I cannot allow this to happen, so I go, refusing help from the protector of the forest, Ryokan. I do not wish to involve others in this fight, others that could be hurt. I take only Jaken with me, I can depend on him, leaving Rin in the care of Au-Un until I return. In the back of my mind is the hope that maybe I will see Shuuran again.

I arrive just in time to again save my brother from being killed. Can he not see that he is no match for them? I tell him to leave but of course he refuses, it appears that the cats have kidnapped his miko woman and he wants to retrieve her.

Foolish hanyou, he is not ready for such a battle yet. He makes me so angry that I temporarily loose my control over my emotions I strike out at him and yell at him, telling him that someone who falls in love with a human and gets himself sealed to a tree does not deserve to be here.

I did not mean to be so harsh but I still do not trust this new human girl not to betray my brother, perhaps this time, instead of being sealed to a tree, he will be destroyed. I cannot and will not feel again as I did that day when his body was gone from the tree. I want him to live.

I think this feeling of mistrust comes from my own failed love affair. I did see Shuuran that day but I only saw hate for me in his eyes, it surprised me at how much that wounded my heart even after so much time had passed.

Finally I see Anija and she attacks me, mocking me. My desire for revenge is strong, my only wish to cut her down. I think I even feel jealousy that she has been with Shuuran in the time he should have been with me. I do not destroy her but in the end I am able to leave to go to her lord and destroy him.

I finally manage to get to the barrier that encases the cat lord, but I cannot break though. Inuyasha shows up and has a new technique that I was unaware of, he can break the barrier. I do not show it but I am proud of my little brother for increasing the strength of our father's sword, even if he still has no finesse in using the blade and of course it doesn't take him long to get into trouble again.

He is pinned by four of the cat demons and I have to step in to save him. He is so stubborn, why doesn't he just leave? This just makes me angry and instead of working together, we fight. How foolish. During that time the cat lord is revived, using the souls of his own followers, of my Shuuran. I feel such rage that I begin to transform, but the Tenseiga calls to me.

I know what to do. I use the Tenseiga to revive the cat demons that the demon lord has taken, which in turn makes the nekoyoukai lose his powers. I have to leave, I cannot stand to see Shuuran again, I leave the rest for my brother to handle. He has grown stronger that I imagined.

I must impart this story to Koneko, so she knows that there is no pleasure in revenge, it does not change anything. She will still have lost two years of her life; I will still have lost a love of mine.

"I wondered that day why Sesshoumaru seemed so angry," Miroku said after listening to Kagome reading the journal.

"I had no idea he actually ever loved anybody; that is so sad," stated Sango.

"It's like Romeo and Juliet," sighed Kagome._ Except in this case they're both guys, _she thought.

"Who?" Inuyasha asked.

"Just another story in a book," she answered, sighing again.

"Why does he have to put me down all the time?" Inuyasha said sulkily. "I don't fight that badly."

"He did say he was proud of you for learning how to break the barrier," Kagome stated hoping to take the growing frown off the hanyou's face.

"You realize there is no way we can give this book back to him now that we've all read it." Miroku stated matter of factly. "He can't ever know you have it."

"What am I supposed to do with it? I can't keep it, what if he finds it or can smell it or something." _There is no way I'm going to throw it away either,_ Inuyasha thought to himself.

"We could hide it," Shippo spoke up helpfully.

Inuyasha thought about it for a moment. "I'll keep it with me for now." The half demon did not want to give up the book, it was a way for him to know his brother, the true person that he was inside and the hanyou really wanted to know that person.


	9. Ninth Entry The Missing Chame

Chapter 9: Ninth Entry – The Missing Chame

It had been a couple of days before the group was back at the village. Demon hunting had taken much of their time and they had not had a chance to ask Inuyasha to allow Kagome to read from Sesshoumaru's book again. Now they were all sitting around the fire pit, belly's full from a good supper.

"Can we hear from the book some more, Inuyasha?" asked Shippo. This was about the fifth time he had asked and he didn't expect any better answer than he had received previously, which had been an angry no.

Before Inuyasha could again tell him no, Kagome looked at him and gave him her biggest, sweetest, saddest puppy eyes, "Please Inuyasha, what's the harm now? We've already read this far, we may as well read the whole story."

"It might help us deal with him if we knew more about him when we encounter him," Miroku said logically.

"Humph, you guys were the ones that told me this stuff is supposed to be private. You didn't even want me to read it." Inuyasha tried to look determined about this but Kagome staring at him like that was making things difficult. With a sigh, he reached into his haori and passed Kagome the book.

Chame went missing today, which caused a great deal of upset for the children. It worried me as well as he never goes off by himself, always he was with the others, mostly Bougumaru.

He seems to still be fearful of me although I have done nothing to him that would cause him fear. Jaken thinks he has a fear of all adults because of what has happened to him.

Bougumaru talks to Jaken and has told my retainer that Chame was at the tea house before he had been sold there himself. He says that the little fox demon has probably been there since the age of four. I do not think that the small fox even knows how he came to be there. According to the human boy, Chame does not ever remember being anywhere else. I wish that I had totally destroyed that despicable place. I cannot believe what could even be done with a four year old child; perhaps that is just as well.

My first fear in finding him missing is that Naraku had managed somehow to capture him as he had captured Rin in the past.

That is the problem with having ones you love, they become a way for your enemies to take advantage of you. It is a great weakness. Rin tells me it can also be a great strength. When did she start becoming so wise, I wonder?

Rin had been captured by Kagura, right under Jaken's nose. I was so angry with him that he couldn't protect one small human child that I almost told him to leave and not return to me.

Naraku appears and instructs me to kill my brother or Rin will come to harm. I attack him but of course it is only a puppet. He is too much of a coward to face me on his own. He is the only one that it would not bother me in the least to kill.

He leaves a trail for me to follow and soon I find him behind a barrier, which he opens for me to enter. After some banal banter he attacks me, as if he could kill me. I soon realize that my death is not in his plans; he wishes to absorb my body into his, to capture my demonic power.

I have to see how strong this Naraku is so I allow him to engulf me in his flesh, it is painful but I learn a great deal about him while he tries to absorb me. He is frightened of my brother who I now know is breaking in through the barrier. Though our connection I can also sense his jealousy of Inuyasha. I see images of the miko Kikyo and Naraku's desire for her. This is why he wants me to kill him? How pathetic. I can also feel his obsession with wanting the shikon jewel; that need for power is humming though him, another reason he chases my brother's group.

I can feel when he grabs Inuyasha in his flesh, he wants to absorb him as well, I must break free to aid my brother but he surprises me and breaks free on his own just before I do as well. Even though we bicker we actually fight together this time and wound Naraku enough to make him retreat. I try to transform to go after him to deliver the death blow but he reminds me of my charge, Rin. I must find her and leave this foolish baboon clothed hanyou for another day.

Inuyasha of course wants to know about this girl, what can I tell him? He will think I have gone crazy allowing a human girl to trail me, allowing myself to feel for her. I must keep him at arms length, he cannot know too much of me. It would not be good to allow him too close for I would not be able to let him go. Then what, a war tearing apart my father's lands? That I cannot allow. I do not answer him but just leave to find my Rin. And find her I do, on the ground under a young boy with a sickle raised over her.

The boy tries to attack me, my brother is there telling me that Rin is okay, she has only fainted. I am most surprised when Inuyasha steps in front of the boys attack. Does he feel a need to protect this Sesshoumaru?

I am able to grab the boy by his neck, he doesn't struggle and there is no life in his eyes. Naraku must want me to destroy this boy as I can feel his disgusting aura all over the child. Inuyasha's group are pleading with me not to end his life. As if I could, but they must not know the conflict within me.

I release him and am thankful to hear my child's voice calling me. The boy runs off and the miko girl is afraid I will give chase to destroy him. My Rin is fine, there is no need and in reality I could never kill a child. The look upon my brother's face is priceless as we walk off. Perhaps he will see I am not so bad if a small child will follow me.

Thankfully abduction is not the case with Chame. I find him huddled under a small bush, frightened but unhurt.

"What is wrong?" I ask him as I sit on the ground. I know better than to try and touch him, he does not like it.

"I saw a man, when I was picking flowers with Rin," he replies.

"Do you know this man?"

He begins to cry and will not answer but he must from the reaction I just received.

"Chame, I will not allow anyone to harm you, ever. I will always protect you," I tell him, hoping to sooth him. "Do you wish me to destroy this man?"

"You would kill him?" he asks me, trying to control his tears.

"If you wish it, I will kill him," I answer and I mean it.

He surprises me by crawling out and leaping into my lap, holding me most forcefully. He is crying again. "Do you want me to hold you?" I need to ask him, I would not touch him without permission.

"Yes, Sesshoumaru-sama," he pleads.

So we sit and I embrace this quaking demon. I wish I knew how to help him better. The sun is starting to set when he finally releases his grip on me. "You don't have to kill him," he tells me, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. He gives me a small timid smile and I return it. "You don't really like to kill." He is more astute than I would have given him credit for.

"No, it is something I do not enjoy but if it will ease your pain I will do it without hesitation."

"As long as you're around I'll be okay," he tells me. "You will protect me, Sesshoumaru-same, right?" he asks

"Yes, always," I reassure him. "And so will the others, you have nothing to fear any longer."

This seems to cheer him up and as we rise he puts his hand in mine on the walk back to our camp.

Perhaps I have made a break through with this child as well. I wish I could arrange for him to meet my brother's fox child. He would benefit from knowing one of his own kind. I believe that the other, Shippo I think I have heard him called, would be good for my Chame. I am afraid my temperament is too stern to impart a sense of joy in the boy and Shippo seems most lively, it would be nice to see Chame that way as well.

"Can I meet him?" Shippo asks as everyone sat silently in the hut.

"Maybe, we'll see," Kagome tells him quietly. She was surprised how informed Sesshoumaru was about who was in their group. She would have thought that something like that would not have been important to the demon lord.

"Those children seem to have been through a lot," Miroku stated. He was angered by what he'd learned; that people could use children in such a manner is unthinkable to the monk.

"Guess I didn't have it so bad," Inuyasha says, taking the book from Kagome and putting it back into its normal spot inside his haori.

"Your brother really cares for them," Sango stated. "He is so different than he portrays himself; it's odd how he can hide everything so well." Sango was glad to learn that Sesshoumaru would not kill her brother, even though it surprised her. _He's such a contrast, it's almost like he's two different people, one we see, one hidden inside._

"He seems to want you to have a good opinion of him," Miroku proclaimed to his hanyou friend.

"I guess maybe I have a better opinion of him now. It's just so confusing. He's not what I've believed him to be."

Inuyasha and the rest began to get ready for bed and as everyone settled down for the night all he could think about was how to tell his brother that he had been wrong about him. He wanted to make things better between them; he didn't want to fight anymore.


	10. Tenth Entry Sickness

Chapter 10: Tenth Entry – Sickness

Bougumaru is sick. It astonishes me how frail the human body is. I have been sitting with him for quite awhile and his fever is still high even though the girls have been bringing lots of cool water for me to use. He mumbles and talks in his sleep, a lot of it I cannot understand but the one thing I can make out is him telling someone to stop whatever his fevered mind is telling him they are doing to him. It pains me to see him in such a state and I stroke his forehead until he calms.

I am sending Rin and Koneko to Jinenji to get medicine to help him. Rin knows the way as she has been there before to aid Jaken when he was stung by the Saimyoushou. Koneko is going with her to provide protection. I would go myself but Jaken and Chame are almost beside themselves with worry over their friend being so sick and will not leave my side or his. I cannot leave them alone. The girls will have Ah-Un so I am satisfied they will be fine.

As I sit here with my human ward I am reminded of that day when Jaken was close to death. As I said he had been stung by Naraku's Saimyoushou. Rin went to get medicine for him, I went to follow the insects. I could not allow Naraku to interfere with my group again. I wonder at his obsession with me, it is not natural and it worries me as I sense something more than just his lust for power.

Of course I ran into my brother who had also been following the insects to find Naraku. The wasps were dead by the time I arrived and at first I was sure my stupid brother had killed them. It would have been something he would have done. We argued and fought as per usual, wasting precious time. I do not know how I can be so easily dragged into confrontations with him. He knows just how to infuriate me and I must learn to control my temper when I am around him.

I was able to best him, he is getting better, but he still flails around with the sword too much. I am able to knock the Tetsusaiga from his hand and hold my own blade to his throat. Maybe a little fear will take some of that cockiness from him and make him a little more careful in battle.

The miko girl comes to his aid and tells me which direction Naraku is in. I pretend that is the reason he is being spared his life and leave to follow Rin, who had passed overhead on Ah-Un.

I arrive just in time to catch her from falling to her death. She is so small and light in my arm, I am afraid I may hurt her but she seems unconcerned and happy that I am there. She shows me such trust, me a demon who could easily kill her. How can she trust me so unconditionally? I vow I will never betray that.

We return to Jaken and give him the flower. Rin is so concerned, she is saying over and over "Please don't die, Jaken." I had no idea she felt such devotion to him. Such a kind child, she humbles me with her simple emotions. I believe Jaken cares for her in his own way as well although to this day he will never admit such a thing.

So here I sit telling this story to Bougumaru so he will know that help will come and he will not die, I will not allow it, none of us will. Jaken seems most pleased that I have remembered that time and even though I know he knows it was Rins doing, he still thinks I am the one that saved his life. I do not wish to argue the point anymore so I let it rest. Chame has settled down in my lap and is sleeping.

The girls of course return with no problems encountered and we give our boy his medicine. It takes three days but he is soon back on his feet aggravating me to the point of frustration. I would not have it any other way.

"Oh, I'm so glad that Bougumaru is okay," breathed Kagome. She had been holding her breath as she listened to Inuyasha who had insisted on reading this time.

"It seems as if he sat with the boy for the whole three days," stated Miroku who could not imagine the demon lord to play nursemaid to a human child.

"I do not flail the Tetsusaiga around," complained Inuyasha, frowning.

Shippo just rolled his eyes at the others who tended to agree with Sesshoumaru in this instance.

"Well, not as much anyways," Inuyasha blushed at his own confession.

"Why is so afraid for us to see how much he cares?" Kagome asked no one in particular. "I actually think I like him now."

"I think he has a hard time trusting others to care for him, seems like he has been on his own for a long time. That can make a person shut down as a way to not get hurt." Miroku was quite pleased with his assessment of the enigma that was Sesshoumaru.

"I think he wants to protect you too, Inuyasha. He's mentioned a few times about the people in your father's court wanting you dead," Sango said.

"Feh, like they could do anything to me," Inuyasha huffed.

"Sesshoumaru seems to think they could, you should not underestimate them," warned Miroku.

They all began to gather their belongings and pack up after their lunch. No one said anything as they followed Inuyasha as he again tried to pick up his brother's scent.


	11. Eleventh Entry A Poisonous Gift

Chapter 11: Eleventh Entry – A Poisonous Gift

The kids have asked me to tell them a story. I am not well versed in children's stories and I tell them so. Still they beg and Rin asks me to tell them a story about myself. Bougumaru wants to know how I learned to use my poison whip; he is quite fascinated by it. In fact, now I have to show it to everyone. They all settle down as I tell my tale, satisfied by the show of my powers.

I actually was not born with this technique. It was a gift from the Nagamushi demon clan. Nagamushi are snake demons, very human looking until you notice where their legs should be; they have none, their lower body is that of a snake and they are varied in color and type. Some are poisonous, some are not. I, of course, received my ability from the poisonous kind.

I was about the age of fourteen and had been strolling through the lands of my father and was just along the Southern borders. I loved coming here, it is always warm and I love the heat. As I walked along I heard yelling and went to investigate. A group of human males had something cornered and they were poking it with pitchforks and sticks, tormenting whatever they had trapped.

At first I thought it was just a large snake, all I could see was a squirming mass of red coils with white spots that had black centers; the definite colors of a poisonous one at that. As I got closer I could see it was a Nagamushi boy, no older than eight or nine and he was terrified and bleeding from where the sharp weapons had pierced his skin. He was desperately trying to get away but one of the men had his tail pinned to the ground with a pitchfork and everytime he tried to pull it out or fight back he was struck by the others.

The boy himself was very pretty, long white hair that blended to red and then was tipped in black graced his head. His hair was pulled back from a delicate featured face and tied back in intricate braids behind his extremely long, pointed ears, leaving only his long bangs that parted in the middle caressing each side of his face. His human torso was slight but muscular and bleeding.

Without thinking I leapt to the boys defence, striking out at the men with my claws, quickly driving them away. I may have been young but at that time I was still quite strong, far stronger than humans as least. I pulled the fork out of the boy's tail so he could leave and saw that he was unconscious.

I was unsure of what to do now. I did not know where to take the boy, Nagamushi were quite rare really and I have not seen one in a long time, I am not sure there are even any left alive at this time.

I had to think of something to help him. We were fairly close to a stream so I went there and wet my obi and used it to wash the blood off. Some of his wounds were quite deep, but like all demons, they would heal in time. I helped by licking at them. An Inu's saliva can aid in the healing of wounds.

I should have been prepared for him to be frightened when he awoke and I supposed it looked like I was trying to eat him to his foggy mind because I soon felt two long, sharp fangs pierce my shoulder and then shortly after that I began to feel numb.

He soon realized his mistake when he saw the obi I had used to clean him and that he was no longer pinned to the ground. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to poison you. I remember you now, you were helping me," he apologized, his voice tinged with concern.

I was feeling very groggy and my head was spinning, I think I tried to answer him but I could not seem to get my mouth to work.

He actually picked me up in his arms and we were soon moving fast. I did not think someone so slight could be so strong; he carried me as if my weight meant nothing. By the time we arrived at his father's estate I could no longer move at all and breathing was becoming quite difficult. I could see his mouth moving but for some reason I could not hear any sound.

A rather large intimidating Nagamushi appeared, very muscular, with red hair pulled up in the traditional manner of a warrior lord. The snake part of him was bright red with black and white bands. Most likely the boys father my confused mind was telling me, at that moment I could not fathom what was happening to me and why I could now see black spots in front of my eyes.

When I next was able to see I was in a room that was lit only by candles making the room seem fairly dark. I must have made a noise because I next saw the young boy leaning over me asking me if I was okay.

"Ungh," I replied bringing my hands up to my pounding head.

"Here let me help you sit up," he said as he propped me up on some pillows.

"What's your name? I'm Nami," he told me.

"Sess…Sesshoumaru," I managed to slur out to him.

"You're lucky my boy is so young, his venom is still developing", a voice from the front of the room told me. "If you had been bitten by an older member of my family, you'd have been dead on the spot." The rather large Nagamushi lord I had seen on entering the estate soon slithered into my view and handed me a drink of water. I took it gratefully feeling very parched.

"My father, Dokuga-sama, saved you," Nami told me. I could only nod my appreciation which turned out to not be such a good idea as my head began to pound again.

"How long have I been here?" I asked shakily.

"Not even one day, its just coming dusk now."

"Sesshoumaru," stated Dokuga, "In order to save you from our poison I had to make it so the toxin would not affect you. I have imbued you with our venom. No kind of miasma will bother you again and you will be able to use the poison running through you as a weapon. Consider it my thanks for saving my son. You will have a headache for a couple of days and you may feel nauseous off and on but you will live." He looked at me kindly and patted my arm. "Rest now, you can return to your own lands tomorrow," he told me as he escorted Nami out the door.

The next day I returned to my father's castle, Nami accompanied me to the southern border where we said our goodbyes and I continued on my own from there.

I do not believe that even one person asked where I had been that day and night. I am sure no one cared so I carried on as always but now with a new weapon. I never told my father of my new ability or any of my senseis. I learned to use the powers I had been gifted with on my own and it has come in handy on more than one occasion.

I even managed to save my brother's miko once, only getting insults for my efforts.

I look down and see all my children have fallen asleep so perhaps that story I will tell them another time.

"Wow, that's quite a story," Sango expressed with awe.

"I…I never knew that, I thought he was born that way," intoned Inuyasha with surprise. _What else don't I know about him?_

"I remember that, when he saved me. Mukotsu had us all poisoned and he was going to kill me. Sesshoumaru showed up and destroyed him. Mukotsu's miasma's had no effect on him at all," Kagome told everyone.

Inuyasha felt guilty, he remembered the first thing he had thought was that Sesshoumaru had hurt his friends. It wasn't until Kagome had told him that his brother had been the one to save them that he had not tried to kill the demon lord. Looking back now he remembered the hurt look he had received at his accusations before it was hidden behind that stern mask. _I thought he just wanted to know where Naraku was, he really was trying to help us. Damn it, how could I have been so stupid not to see that?_ _I've got to make things right between us._

With that determined in his mind, Inuyasha closed the book. "Let's head out again guys, Sesshoumaru's got to be around her somewhere," he said as he stood. The whole group again began heading west.


	12. Twelfth Entry Nightmares

Chapter 12: Twelfth Entry – Nightmares

I have had that dream again, the one where I cannot save Rin. I can see her face even now, eyes wide looking to me for help and I am too late. I cannot prevent Suikotsu from slashing her throat with his metal claws. Although this did not happen it still haunts me and I wake in a sweat trying to hold back my screams.

This dream was almost a reality if not for that miko woman, the one who betrayed my brother those many years ago. Suikotsu had taken my Rin for Naraku to lure me onto Mt. Hakurei. I could not let them have her so I followed through the barrier. It was a most painful sensation walking though that barrier as it tried to purify me, I could feel myself weaken but I was not going to leave Rin in the hands of Naraku or his minions. I do not know why I was not purified to dust but I managed to make it quite far onto the mountain.

An old man once told me that my name could also mean Regent of Purity; he told me that my heart was very pure for a demon, odd ne? I've often wondered if I had some protection from being purified because of that. I should probably not listen to the ramblings of an old man, foolish thoughts indeed.

I found my Rin in the clutches of Suikotsu and he held her while Jakotsu engaged me in battle. I managed to avoid his attacks only getting slightly nicked on the forearm from his snake like blade. My movements are not as quick and I cannot get a good hit on Jakotsu, what is worse is that he notices. I can hear the fear in my Rin's voice as she calls to me and something drastic must be done. I charge Jakotsu again and throw Toukijin back at Suikotsu while putting my poison claws through Jakotsu. That slithering sword manages to gouge out a good piece from my shoulder but I do not falter. I am sure I have managed to destroy them both but those damn shards are in them and they are not defeated.

Suikotsu again grabs my Rin and is going to kill her; I know I cannot reach her in time. That is when an arrow hits the clawed mans neck and takes him down, it is from my brother's first lover. My relief is so great I almost collapse but manage to stay upright.

Her arrow hitting that shard in his neck has brought the human back to his normal self. I listen as he tells his story of how he became one of the band of seven. He is asking her to take the shard from him and let him die, I do not understand her hesitation. His own team member, Jakotsu, takes the shard from his neck with that sword and leaves. This just reinforces my opinion that humans are not very loyal creatures.

I allow Rin to thank the woman and then we must leave, the pain is almost more than I can bear being in that barrier and I must get Rin to a safer place.

By the time I make it back, the barrier is gone from the mountain and Naraku has a new body. I come to late to save the miko woman. I would have if I could , she did save my Rin. So instead I attacked Naraku, if I couldn't help her perhaps I could gain vengeance for her. I was foolish to underestimate Naraku; he used me to test out his new body. He is able to withstand my attack and bring his body back together. He seems to think he cannot die but he should learn not to overestimate himself. Everyone has a weakness without exception and I will find his.

My brother arrives shortly after Naraku flees and I am glad to see he still lives. I turn to leave to give my brother privacy. I know that woman meant a lot to him.

He yells at me, accusing me of standing by and watching her die. It hurts to hear him say that, to know he thinks so little of me. In my anger I tell him it is his fault because he was not there soon enough. I think back to my Rin, I would not have been soon enough either.

I try to soften the blow of my words, I can see the wounded look in his eyes and I do not like it. I do not want to be the one to put that look there. I tell him to save his grief for another time, to not fight with me but to go after Naraku who was the one that killed his Kikyo and then I leave. I wanted to stay, to console him but that would have been foolish indeed. He hates me and that is how it will always be.

I still have that nightmare; that I watch as Rin dies, that Kikyo did not get there in time to save her. Sometimes I see the other children in that dream and once it was my brother but still it is the same. I do not get there in time.

It was at times hard enough to protect two, now I have five and Naraku is still at large. I try to keep an eye on my brothers group as well and it is difficult. They tend to break apart and travel in different directions at times and sometimes I lose where they are and it takes me days to find them again. It has become quite exhausting. But no matter what I will not allow Naraku to take those I care for from me.

"Kikyo saved Rin," Kagome uttered, shocked. "I had…I had no idea he cares for that girl so much that he would put himself in danger like that." Kagome was quickly gaining a new respect for the demon lord.

"He cares about us, about me," Inuyasha stated.

"I can't believe he keeps an eye on us; kinda makes me nervous," Miroku told the group, shivering a bit and looking around at the trees.

"Can you sense him, Inuyasha?" asked Shippo nervously.

"No, but I don't know if I can if he doesn't want me to." Inuyasha stuck the book back into his haori, glancing around and giving a quick sniff just in case.

"What about what the old man told him? What do you make of that?" asked Sango.

"That could be true," replied Miroku. In old style kanji his name does translate out to mean Regent of Purity. As for his heart, I don't know, I've never bothered to try and sense that deep into his aura."

"I wonder where he is?" asked Shippo looking off into the distance. "Sure would be nice to have some other kids to play with," he said longingly which caused the older members of the group to look at him sadly. Tomorrow they would search again.


	13. Thirteenth Entry Song of the Flute

Chapter 13: Thirteenth Entry – Song of the Flute

Bougumaru has given a flute to Chame and the fox demon has taught himself to play it reasonably well. I first heard him playing last night and the sound of it brought back a memory to me, one I had almost forgotten. That woman, she played a flute as well.

This was just after my battle with Inuyasha in the tomb of our father. After he cut my arm off I left in my ball of light angry, frustrated and in immense pain. I landed in a village where I was accosted by the soldiers there. I just wanted to pass through but they attacked me, a poor choice of judgement on their part, I was not in the best of moods. There was not much left when I finally was able to continue on. That was when I first saw her, looking down at me from a window in her home.

I thought nothing of her, I just wanted to find a place to rest and recuperate after my battle. I found a large tree and sat under it, I was so tired, my pride had taken a blow as well and I must admit I was more than angry at my brother. That's when I heard her music, it soothed me and she would come everyday to play for me. It made me glad to know that there was one person who felt compassion for me. One who did not fear me or want my death because of what I am.

The girl turned out to be the lord's daughter and he was not pleased that she was coming out to play her flute for me. He sent his soldiers out to destroy me thinking I would be an easy target with my wound. Jaken, that foolish toad, tried to get between them and me. I had to tell him twice to get out of the way. They brought their guns and fired at me, foolish mortals, their weapons were no match for me and I sent their bullets back to them with my whip. I did not even have to stand to do it. Those that survived ran like the cowards they were.

Jaken wanted to go after them but I forbade it. What is the point, their lives are short as it is and as long as they leave me in peace I have no issue with them. We leave that place and I do not think of that woman again, but I do hear her flute song in my mind and it still sooths me.

The next time I see her she is not who she once was. I can sense demonic energy within her, it seems she has given her soul to demons and all to be with me; I who can offer her nothing. I tell her I do not know her and walk away. She, or the demon within her, says that she can fulfill my greatest desire. This interests me, how would she know my greatest desire, can she sense into my soul? Can she really know what I truly want? She again confirms that she can, saying, "Yes, and that by giving you which you most desire I'll prove I am worthy of you."

This demon inhabiting her body is trying to trick me for whatever reason. This girl does not know me, nobody does. What I desire no one can give me. To not be lonely, to have my brother at my side and to not have the burden of being lord of the western lands; that is what I desire and this being cannot grant that for me. I turn away telling her to do as she wants, what do I care, there is nothing she can do for me, in hindsight a foolish thing to say on my part.

I had not gotten far when I sensed something was wrong, the image of my brother came to me so I turned back to investigate.

I met that demon/woman, she had the Tetsusaiga in her hands, my brother is not far behind, cursing me and attacks me with his bare claws. He will never learn that in hand to hand combat I will always be the stronger.

I easily grab his wrist and hold him, and as I look into his eyes, so like my own, those feelings of wanting him to be with me, to be my brother, come to the fore. I have the strongest urge to embrace him and I might have done just that except I hear that woman coming, she is telling me to hold him as she comes to attack him. I release him to turn and throw out my poison at her. She will not kill my brother or wound him while he cannot defend himself. I will protect him even if we cannot be together.

I manage to destroy the bird she has been riding on but not her, or what passes as her. My brother wishes to interfere, I can hear him rising to attack. I tell him this is none of his business as she comes and presents me with the sword. This demon flatters herself if she thinks she knew this Sesshoumaru's desires and I tell her so, saying that I did not want her to steal my brother's sword, and it is his sword. I do not covet it any longer. How this news is taken by my brother, I do not know for I leave that place. I cannot stand to see what she has done to herself in the name of love. I am confident my brother can retrieve his own sword.

When I land and emerge from my light I find myself by the tree I rested under when I heard her play. It saddens me that she is nothing more than a shell for what possesses her and I wish to release her soul from the torment she has willing accepted in my name.

As I think of her she appears and confronts me about my feelings for her. What can I tell her; I do not love

her. Before I can say anything Inuyasha is there, hot on her heels to gain back his sword which she still has. I strike at him with Toukijin, wounding him on the shoulder. It is a warning for him not to interfere in my business, he will heal quickly. Perhaps I was trying to protect her as well.

He throws out his blades of blood which I try to block but one manages to cut into that woman's face, and as expected, the demons I sensed pour out of her. They quickly ensnare my little brother and I step between them and him to prevent more from gaining control over him. I try to bait the woman to come after me; I need to give Inuyasha time to free himself.

I slice into her with my sword, dividing her in half and exposing the main demon who has taken possession of her body. He is like Naraku in the way he commands his minions to attack me rather than attack me himself. There are many but I strike them down. I can hear my brother breaking free of the ones that have him, finally.

Apparently I was the demons true target, again like Naraku, he wants to gain my powers.

I hear that woman's voice, she is asking for my forgiveness. The demon cannot seem to control her as well as he thought as he tells her to be quiet, that she is one with him and must obey. This angers me. She does not deserve this fate and certainly not because of me. She is again talking, telling me to destroy the mononoke. I try my best for her, to release her but I cannot.

This demon tells me that since the Toukijin is full of hatred and betrayal that it will not affect him and, in fact, will increase his power. I realize there is only one sword left that can defeat this demon and I quickly cut off the arm that is holding it. There are still many demons flying and attacking and my brother has his hands full. I grab the Tetsusaiga asking it to lend me its powers so I can defeat this bastard. It burns badly but I cannot fail that woman or my brother. I use the Tetsusaiga to destroy many demons and the mononoke but I cannot hold the sword any longer, it is burning me to the bone. I still carry a scar on my hand from that time.

I throw Tetsusaiga back towards my brother so he can grab it, he and the miko girl combine their powers, him with the wind scar, her with her arrow, and defeat what demons are left. Most impressive really, my brother has truly gained some skill.

All that is left is that woman slowly dissolving. I walk to her, picking up her flute that has fallen on the ground. I still remember her words plainly.

"It's finally over. Sesshoumaru, thank you, I have no regrets and in the end I was able to tell you of my feelings for you, of my love." Those words cut deep into my heart. She loved me and I was unable to return those feelings for her. I place her flute in her ashes and leave. I speak to her in my mind and tell her to feel free to continue playing her flute in the afterlife. I know Sara is at peace now.

I take the flute from Chame and play the tune that she played for me. He is a quick learner and it feels only right to pass on that song. She is there in the notes, I will not forget her.

"So that's what was going on," Kagome said.

"Seems like your brother has not had much luck in love," spoke up Miroku.

"I thought for sure he had put her up to it, damn it, why is everything I thought wrong." Inuyasha's ears drooped to the side. _It was so blatantly obvious that he was trying to protect me, how could I have been so stupid? And that look he gave me when he was holding me. I can see it now, why couldn't I have seen it then?_

"Don't feel bad, Inuyasha. He's very good at hiding what he feels, how could you have known?" Kagome tried to console the hanyou.

"You did Kagome, you said he saved her soul, I didn't believe it," Inuyasha intoned guiltily.

"I don't understand why we can't find him now," Sango spoke up. "We've been all over his lands; he should have sensed us and came to investigate himself. Something isn't right."

"Do you think he's in trouble?" questioned Miroku.

Inuyasha snorted, "Not likely, one thing I do know about my brother is he can take care of himself."

"I think Sango's right," returned Kagome. "He should have picked up that we were here."

"Maybe he's hiding," Shippo interjected.

"Possibly," Miroku thought out loud, "but unlikely. In any case he is not here on his lands."

"Where else could he be?" questioned Kagome.

"Maybe he's found Naraku," Shippo again spoke up.

"Well if he has then we better get to looking for him ourselves. Sesshoumaru will have a hell of a time trying to defeat him by himself. And he calls me stubborn." Inuyasha rolled his eyes.

"Runs in the family," Shippo whispered to Kagome, the human girl hid a giggle behind her hand. Inuyasha glowered at the kitsune on Kagome's shoulder but refrained from trying to hit him not wishing to be sat as he saw the warning look in the dark haired girl's eyes.

They turned back the way they had come leaving the western lands to try to track down Naraku, knowing that if that was what Sesshoumaru was doing that they would soon meet up with him.


	14. Fourteenth Entry Naraku

Chapter 14: Fourteenth Entry – Naraku

I am most concerned about the power and strength Naraku has gained and it frustrates me at how he hides from me. He must be defeated at all costs. There are days I cannot stand to see the children out of my sight for fear Naraku will find them. He has already used Rin against me in the past and as far as I know I have managed to keep the others a secret from him but I am not sure how long that will last. He has spies everywhere.

I thought sure that last time we battled that he had been defeated. Kagura had found me and led me to the land of fire. She seems to believe that I will be able to free her from Naraku so unbeknownst to him she has aided me. She will not come all the way to the gate so Jaken and I continue towards the stone guardians. They attack, telling me that in order to enter the underworld that a person must be dead. Toukijin does nothing for me but when they take one look at the Tenseiga, they allow me to pass unmolested to go to my father's grave.

Upon entering I see Naraku has my brother trapped and will surely be able to kill him so I attack since he does not seem to know that I am there. My father's grave is in disarray, it bothers me to see it such and I grow angry at Inuyasha who does not seem to care at all. I must teach my brother to have more respect and I punch him for his indiscretion before turning my energies back to the spider.

I can hear my brother now has his hands full with another, Housenki, who is telling him that he can gain his powers if Inuyasha can defeat him. I continue to attack Naraku trying to give my brother time to defeat the other and to keep Naraku from him. I can see he has a shard and he must not be able to complete the jewel, for if he does we are all lost.

He sends out tentacle after tentacle and I manage to cut the dragon heads off of them as they are formed but this only releases miasma into the tomb. It will not affect me but Naraku is laughing, saying that everyone else will be destroyed. I trust my brother to not allow this to happen so I tell the spider hanyou that the lives of the others are no concern to me. It would be foolish to show any weakness to this demon and he must not know my weakness for my brother or his group as it would surely cost them their lives. I include my brother's humans under my protection as they seem to have a good influence on him and he is happy with them. I would not see him unhappy, therefore I will not allow their deaths if I can prevent it.

Inuyasha has finally defeated Housenki and has gained his power into the Tetsusaiga. I am unsure exactly how he accomplished this but it does not matter. He uses his new ability, called the Kongousouha, to throw out diamond spears and impale Naraku. I quickly follow with an attack with Toukijin and shred the demon to bits. I am sure we have him, doubly so when I see the miko drive a purifying arrow into his chest. Our victory is short lived as the slippery spider escapes into a hole that has opened. At least my brother has the jewel shard.

Frustration boils in my blood . Why will he not just die? He has more lives than a cat. There is no sense in dwelling and I leave to again chase the evil one down, my brother and his group following me as far as the gates.

I feel that frustration again now. I have been searching and can sense no sign of him. He has hidden well and I fear he will be more powerful next time. Perhaps I should combine my efforts with that of my brother's group. I could call a truce, whether he would accept or not I am unsure. It would ease my mind to have more than Jaken to help in the protection of the children. This is something I will have to consider seriously.

"He did it again, protected us all without us even knowing," Kagome stated.

"He is not unwise in wanting a truce. Would you accept him, Inuyasha?" Miroku asked his hanyou friend.

"I would now, but he hasn't come to me to ask. He's probably changed his mind," Inuyasha lowered his ears and growled in frustration.

"When we find him, you should ask him then," Kagome told him seriously. The human girl knew that Sesshoumaru probably had too much pride to ask himself and even she knew that with the power Naraku gained since he awakened on Mt. Hakurei, the addition of the demon lord would be a great asset. She was beginning to wonder if they could defeat the spider without his help. She remembered that battle and even she could not believe that the attacks of her, Inuyasha and Sesshoumaru had not worked to utterly destroy him.

Inuyasha said nothing at her statement, but he was thinking that he might just bite the bullet and do just that. _There has to be a way to defeat that damn Naraku! Sesshoumaru, where the hell are you?_


	15. Fifeteenth Entry Death, Love, Sex and Ot

Chapter 15: Fifteenth Entry – Death, Love, Sex and Other Questions

Today has been most trying. It has been raining for two days straight and we have all been coped up in this cave. Sitting with four bored children is indeed not something for the weak of heart or mind. How the questions got started I do not know but it has been a day of questions, some of which I do not have the answers to.

Chame started the rest off, he had asked a simple question, one which many children have asked; where do pups come from? I told him from the female's belly, hoping this simple answer would suffice. It seemed to satisfy him but then Rin had to ask how the pup got into the woman's belly. At this point Bougumaru tried to explain sex to her. I of course had to stop him; he can be rather graphic in his explanations of just about anything, especially this topic.

I do not know why trying to explain procreation should be such a difficult matter but for some reason I found it to be. It is one thing in knowing how such a thing happens it is quite another to explain it to four children, especially when two of those children having more experience at it than I. I can tell Chame is not comfortable with this subject as he is now fidgeting around.

"I don't like sex, it hurts," he tells me.

"What was done to you and Bougumaru was wrong, sex does not have to be painful if you are with the right person," I reply. Talking of his time in the teahouse is something that Chame does not do willingly, but to bury it inside himself, I believe, would be more detrimental so I try to encourage him to face that time and deal with it head on.

"Have you been with the right person?" Rin questions me.

I must have blushed or looked strange because Koneko is giggling. I bring myself under control and reply, "No, I have not. I wish to save myself for that person when I meet them." I hope to impress upon the girls the value of their bodies and that sex is not something to be done lightly.

"You've not ever…done it?" Bougumaru eyes are quite large as he looks at me, I am not sure he believes what I have just told him.

"This Sesshoumaru does not lie," I tell him, this time I am sure I have blushed, my cheeks feel rather warm.

Koneko, who has been sitting off to the side, more or less trying to ignore the conversation, now creeps a little closer to us. "How do you know when you've met the right person?" she questions. I do not miss the slight glance she throws at Bougumaru. This could be complicated. I realize that these four are not related by any means but I had not thought of the possibility of any of them being potential mates to each other. I will make sure to keep a closer eye on Koneko and Bougumaru from now on.

I am having difficulty in answering her question. I have only experienced love once in my lifetime and it was a long time ago. By the looks I am receiving I am not doing a very good job of it and I think I am just confusing them. "It is a hard thing to explain, Koneko, but when you find that person you will know," I sigh, not really satisfied with my own answer. I try to be as honest as I can with them but it is difficult for me to talk of such emotions. I have been too long repressing them.

"So, sex is a serious thing to you, huh?" Bougumaru asks.

"Taking a life mate is serious," I reply. I see him also glance to Koneko. I believe I will have to take the boy aside and impress upon him the gravity of giving yourself to another.

I do not know if it is just him but humans seem to have such a cavalier attitude about sex and taking a mate. Perhaps it is because their life spans are so fleeting or that the boy has become dull to it considering what he had to do in the past. In either case I will not see Koneko used as a release for the boy's libido.

"Do you think you'll ever take a mate, lord Sesshoumaru?" Rin is always the romantic.

"Someday, I hope to." To find someone to spend the rest of my days with sounds wonderful. Naraku needs to be defeated first of course, but it is a wish of mine. After being with this group I could not bear to be alone again even though I know someday that I could be. I will outlive all of my impromptu family, except for Chame and possibly Koneko. But even then, they will grow and leave for their own lives and adventures. Sometimes I think I have not been wise in getting so attached to them.

The thought of outliving them depresses me and they notice. "What's wrong, Sesshoumaru-sama?" Rin asks me, putting her small hand on my cheek. Her worried face only reminds me of the time she asked me to remember her if she died. As if I could ever forget her, as if I could forget any of them. I tell her that it is of no importance but I can tell she does not believe me. She will not push it any further, unlike Bougumaru.

"Something is wrong, tell us…we could help," he says and I can see he is sincere in his wish to do so.

"I was just thinking of how long I have lived, it is…a bit daunting to me sometimes."

"How old are you?" asks Koneko, her tail twitching lazily.

"Three hundred and twenty one," I state.

"Sesshoumaru-sama," gasped Rin. "You do not look that old."

"Demons live longer than humans," I tell her and immediately regret it when I see her features sadden. She soon brightens when a thought hits her.

"You will live forever, that is wonderful. I am happy to think that you will always be in the world."

It does not seem so wonderful to me. I will not live forever, of course, but I will live more than long enough. There are days when I am weary of life now. I do not incite my brother to kill me because of these four and my quest to destroy Naraku. Once that is done, and my children are no longer with me, especially if I have not succeeded in procuring a mate, perhaps I will challenge my brother to battle and allow him to destroy me. I can not return to a life of empty loneliness after having lived this small time knowing comfort and companionship.

I have changed being with these four, for the better I know not, but whenever humans or youkai would fear me or hate me it did not used to bother me. Now it does. I do not wish to be feared or hated. Isn't that odd, seems so to me as I used to be more than pleased to see terror etched into the faces of those that beheld me, now it just depresses me.

"We will be the first ones to die," Bougumaru tells Rin. Leave it to him to be far too blunt.

"Not for a long time yet, and I do not wish to talk of death." That will be the end of the conversation my tone tells the others that I will not speak of it again.

It is soon time for the children to settle down and I tell each one goodnight, adding to Bougumaru that tomorrow we need to have a man to man talk. I can see that this makes him nervous. I think a little fear may be a good thing so I give him a stern look and rise to keep watch for the night. That boy needs to learn to use his head before he speaks.

As I watch them all sleeping I realize that combining our group with Inuyasha's may be the best thing. If I am destroyed rather than Naraku, I do not wish these that I care for to be alone as I was. The humans of his group have soft hearts and even if my brother will not accept them, they will and I know they will be cared for. Tomorrow I will seek out my brother and offer a truce. I will write again to inform you of his decision.

This was the final entry in the book.

"That was why he approached me that last time. Damn it! I thought he was just after Tetsusaiga again and I didn't even listen to what he was trying to tell me, I just attacked him straight away."

Inuyasha felt like a jerk. The last time he saw his demon brother he hadn't even had a sword in his hand, he had just said he wanted to speak to Inuyasha about something and the hanyou had lashed out at his brother. The battle had been short, neither getting seriously wounded, ending when Sesshoumaru had knocked him back and then left without saying another word. That had been more than two months ago.

"DAMN IT!" yelled Inuyasha his voice full of frustration and anger at himself.

"Don't be so hard on yourself," Miroku tried to sooth. "How could you know all these things, he never gave any hint of this."

"He did, we just didn't see it," answered Inuyasha sadly, thinking of all the times he had seen a strange expression cross the normally stoic face or when his brother had allowed him to live. The times when he had protected him and then covered it by saying he should be the one to destroy Inuyasha and not another and other myriad excuses. It was all false, everything that he had ever thought of his brother was completely wrong. Sesshoumaru felt pain, fear, loneliness, compassion, loyalty and love. He was not an uncaring monster. He didn't want to kill but circumstances had forged him to be a warrior lord, something Inuyasha now saw that his brother had not wanted to be. _I sure as hell am not going to be the way he gets to die!_ Regret and guilt hit the hanyou hard and Kagome came and put her arm over his shoulder.

"Let's continue to search for him and Naraku. I'm sure that Sesshoumaru's gone to find him. Then you two can sort everything out." She smiled at him as if she was positive everything would be fine.


	16. A Sacrifice For Them

Chapter 16: A Sacrifice for Them

Inuyasha had finally located Naraku's scent and the group was in the process of following him as he headed deeper into the dark forest. They had not gone far when the hanyou stopped, picking up a different scent. A young human boy stepped out dressed in fine silk holding a slender katana before him. Behind him was a neko hanyou girl holding a sobbing kitsune in her arms with a small human girl clutching the hem of her kimono, the child's eyes red and round.

"Are you Inuyasha, brother of Sesshoumaru?" the boy asked, his voice firm, holding his sword protectively in front of his small group.

"Bougumaru," stated Inuyasha in surprise. Inuyasha and the others of his group immediately recognized the four children from Sesshoumaru's journal.

The young teen's eyes opened in surprise. Sesshoumaru had told him that if anything were to happen he was to search out Inuyasha and had described his brother to the boy and his brother's group. Bougumaru was certain Sesshoumaru had not told the dog hanyou of them. "How do you know me?" he asked suspiciously. He knew he had not seen him at the teahouse either, he would have remembered a hanyou.

"That's not important. Where is Sesshoumaru?" Inuyasha questioned. This brought large sobs from the fox and human girl causing Inuyasha's heart to leap into his throat. Something was off here and he didn't see the toad demon either.

"He has traded himself for our lives," the cat hanyou said, her voice cracking slightly and her tail whipping back and forth in agitation.

"What do you mean?" asked Kagome getting worried as well.

"Naraku caught us and Sesshoumaru-sama told him he would stay with him if he let us go unharmed," Bougumaru stated as he sheathed his katana.

Inuyasha was impressed with the boy's control. He could smell his anger, frustration and distress but did not outwardly show any emotion. _My brother taught him well,_ the hanyou thought.

"He hurt chichi-ue," sobbed Chame. Inuyasha stared in surprise at hearing that term used in connection with his brother.

"Please go help him Inuyasha-sama," cried Rin

"How did he hurt Sesshoumaru-sama?" asked Miroku finding it hard to believe that Naraku could really hurt the demon lord.

"He raped him…in front of us," answered Bougumaru, his lips closing in a thin line and his brows furrowing in fury.

The boy's blunt revelation was met with stunned silence. Kagome had her hand over her mouth as did Sango, both of their eyes opened wide in shock. Miroku felt sick and Inuyasha never felt so furious in his whole life. All of them knew that Sesshoumaru had been saving himself for someone that would love him and to have it taken so brutally from him was horrid for the group to hear.

"You four stay here, I'm going to rip Naraku to shreds for this," Inuyasha snarled out.

"We're going with you, at least me and Koneko. We are not going to abandon our father," Bougumaru stated firmly staring Inuyasha straight in the eyes, surprising the hanyou with his intensity and love for his demon lord brother. Koneko passed Chame to Kagome and telling Rin to stay stepped up beside the human boy allowing her claws to extend. The look of pure hatred on her face caused Inuyasha to shiver slightly, he could see they were loyal to his brother and he would not be able to talk them out of coming.

"We…we're coming too," sniffed Chame as he wiggled out of Kagome's grasp taking Rin by the hand. The small human girl nodded.

"Keh, we don't have time to argue, let's go," Inuyasha growled, saddened that he had never known his brother in the way these children had. The whole group followed the hanyou as he trailed the scent.

Bougumaru and Koneko stayed up front with Inuyasha helping him to locate the spider's lair. Inuyasha grew suspicious as Naraku certainly wasn't hiding himself. He knew they were all probably walking into a trap and that the evil hanyou probably knew they were coming.

"Did Naraku just let you go?" Miroku asked Rin, he too was nervous, Naraku keeping his word just didn't seem right.

"No, he let us leave the room after…well after and then a bad woman grabbed us. Master Jaken fought her off..." the small girl started to sob as Miroku held her and the two fox demon boys on Kirara between himself and Sango.

Chame spoke up softly. "She killed him but he gave us time to get away." Large tears began to fill his eyes as well and Shippo patted his shoulder comfortingly not knowing what to say.

Miroku shared a look with Sango as she sat at the front on Kirara, the look said they were going to kill Naraku without hesitation or mercy.

They arrived at the front of the castle with no problems which made them all jumpy and suspicious.

"We need to be cautious, this is most definitely a trap," stated Miroku. He helped the children off the cat demon and they all stood staring at the seemingly empty building before them.

Inuyasha spoke up, "Miroku, you and Sango find Sesshoumaru. Kagome and I will tackle Naraku."

"Koneko and I will go with you," stated the young teen boy firmly before Inuyasha could tell him to stay behind, his tone broking no argument. "Rin and Chame, go with the others, you know where Sesshoumaru-sama is, help them find him."

"Ai," both younger children said in unison and then took off at top speed causing Sango and Miroku to hurry to follow.

"Come on then," said Inuyasha. The group entered the castle and still there was no opposition. Sango and Miroku followed the two smaller kids to the left.

"Be careful," warned Kagome. The four had just disappeared when Kagura and Kanna walked into the main room where the rest were.

"Where's that bastard, Naraku?" Inuyasha ground out.

"Waiting for you," Kagura stated with false sweetness. She then threw out her wind which knocked over Kagome and Bougumaru. Koneko leapt to one side while Inuyasha leapt to the other both managing to avoid the worst of the wind attack.

Inuyasha drew Tetsusaiga and called out the wind scar.

Koneko had another idea and charged Kanna, making sure she didn't look into her mirror. The small white haired child tried to avoid the cat but Koneko was quicker and slashed out with her six inch claws, slicing the small mirror in two. Kanna's usual unemotional face showed surprise and then pain as the mirror broke into pieces. Before the glass had a chance to hit the floor, Kanna's throat was tore open by the hanyou and she fell to the floor in a heap, her white kimono coated in red.

Inuyasha became concerned when he looked at Koneko as she leapt out of the way of Kagura's blades of blood coming to crouch beside him, her eyes trained on the wind witch. Her red eyes._ Damn, she's going demon, but she seems in control. How is she…?_ He never got to finish his thought as Kagura sent her attack straight at him seeing he was distracted. Koneko pushed Inuyasha hard out of the way and he was surprised at the strength contained in the small bodied cat/child. He flipped in the air and landed on his feet and again brandished Tetsusaiga blocking the next attack.

Kagura was being pushed back from the force of the combined attacks of Inuyasha and Koneko. She decided that now was the time to retreat back towards her master as she had been instructed to do.

"Wait," yelled Inuyasha to Koneko as she went to follow the sorceress. "She wants us to follow her, don't rush in before we know what's going on." _When did I start to be the sensible one?_ Inuyasha thought surprised at himself.

The cat turned her red eyes to Inuyasha and snarled out, "I don't care; they all die now!" She took off after Kagura.

"Come on, Inuyasha," commanded Kagome. "We have to catch up and help her, she'll be hurt."

_How is she able to control her demon side?_ Inuyashathought as he went after the two girls and Bougumaru.

Chame and Rin led Sango, Miroku and Shippo down a set of stairs to the lower part of the castle. Here there were no windows and the atmosphere was dark and close. Sango took point just beside Chame and Rin leaving Shippo and Miroku to watch their backs. All five were quiet as the two small children led them to a closed door.

"This was where he was last time we saw him," whispered Chame.

"Stay back," ordered Miroku. "I'll go first to make sure it's okay." He was more than nervous that nothing had stopped them and was certain that at any moment they would be attacked. Sango pushed the children back against the wall, her eyes scanning the corridor and her hand on Hiraikotsu. Kirara on her shoulder sniffed the air.

Miroku cautiously opened the door and was met with the sight of an unconscious, naked demon lord. Sesshoumaru was lying on the floor coated in blood and chained by a metal collar around his neck to the brick wall._ Dear Kami,_ he prayed. "Stay out here," he told the others as he held the door so the rest couldn't see inside. "He's inside; I'll see what I can do."

He stepped into the room and closed the door, quickly looking around to see if there was another way in that someone could use to sneak up on him. Seeing none he stepped towards the prone demon. "Sesshoumaru, can you hear me?" he asked. Getting no reply he knelt down and put his fingers on the demon lord's throat. He was relieved when he felt a strong pulse.

Miroku took off his top robe and laid it over Sesshoumaru. _So much blood, no one deserves this,_ he thought as he looked over the wounds on the dog demon's body. Most of the blood was congregated between the demon lord's thighs and Miroku tried not to think of what had happened to cause that. He could see that some of the smaller wounds were already starting to mend but there were a few larger ones that he knew from being with Inuyasha that would take a couple of days to heal. He reached out and shook Sesshoumaru. "Hey, wake up," he called out.

Sesshoumaru opened his eyes groggily at first, unsure where he was, and then snapped fully awake as everything came flooding back to him. Miroku jumped out of the way of his slashing, poisonous claws just in time.

"We're here to help, the kids brought us here," he told the agitated demon who had lunged to the end of the chain and was snarling at him.

The mention of the children brought Sesshoumaru to his senses. "Where are they?" he asked as he clutched the robe around him.

"Chame and Rin are just outside the door with Sango. Bougumaru and Koneko are with Inuyasha and Kagome upstairs."

"You brought them back inside here with Naraku?" Sesshoumaru asked angrily. He was trying to tie the robe around himself. Miroku saw his hand shaking but was too nervous of getting his heart ripped out to offer assistance.

Finally finished with tying the robe on, he wrapped the chain around his arm and gave it a jerk. Miroku was surprised and impressed when the chain snapped off the wall. _He must be hurting but still he has such strength._

Sesshoumaru didn't look back but headed towards the door as if nothing was wrong. He did feel the pain, physically and emotionally, but right now he had other things to worry about so he shoved the agony and anguish back and went to protect his children and kill the one that had caused him such disgrace.


	17. Naraku's Secret Weapon

Chapter 17: Naraku's Secret Weapon

"Sesshoumaru-sama!" cried Rin as both her and Chame latched onto Sesshoumaru's legs. He looked down at them and Miroku saw his countenance soften just for an instant before he again put his mask back in place.

"Take them out of here," he commanded as he gently pushed them towards Sango and started striding towards the stairs.

Sango wanted to stay and help in the upcoming battle but Miroku nodded to her and she gathered the two children to her and followed Sesshoumaru up the steps, Miroku and Shippo taking the rear. The reached the top and were greeted with the sight of Kanna lying very still on the floor. Sesshoumaru recognized the wounds at her throat immediately and sniffed the air to find the direction the others had gone. Satisfied he knew where he was going he headed towards the hallway. He stopped when he heard Sango say, "We can't get out, the door is stuck."

"This is Naraku's doing, he isn't going to let us get away that easily," Miroku intoned.

"Come then." Sesshoumaru was not in the mood to try and smash through the door which was probably being held in place with some kind of spell. He wanted to find Naraku and exact revenge. It worried him that he would have to take the smaller children with him but he knew they would be safer with everyone together than to separate them. He was not going to let them out of his sight as long as they were in the castle with Naraku.

"Inuyasha," Naraku smirked. "So glad you could make it, and look, you brought me a gift," he mocked as he looked at the two children with the hanyou.

"You won't touch them you bastard, Wind Scar!" Inuyasha yelled as he threw the power of his sword at the spider hanyou.

Naraku sidestepped easily out of harms reach as the wall behind him exploded. Inuyasha tried a few more times to hit the spider hanyou using the sharp edge of the sword and his claws to swipe and strike out without success.

"You should know by now that I'm too powerful for you, half-breed. And I have a secret weapon," he chortled, again sidestepping one of Inuyasha's attacks and sending out his tentacles to keep the other three away.

"And what would that be?" Inuyasha asked sarcastically holding the Tetsusaiga out before him getting ready to attack again. He was getting frustrated at how much time it was taking to fight this demon. _ Where the hell are Miroku and Sango?_ He questioned as he blocked a barrage of tentacles that had been aimed at Kagome and the others.

"He's approaching right behind you."

Inuyasha turned to see his brother enter followed by the rest of his group. Sesshoumaru looked angrier than the hanyou had ever seen him before; there was death in his eyes as he looked at Naraku._ What the fuck is Naraku talking about, secret weapon?_

"Ahh, Sesshoumaru, my pet," the endearment gained him one of Sesshoumaru's most deadly stares. This only made the spider laugh but his face soon turned serious. "Come here," he commanded the demon lord and with undisguised shock on his face, Sesshoumaru complied, coming to stand next to his hated enemy. The dog lord attempted to lift his poison claws to attack the smirking face beside him but was stopped. "Drop your hand," ordered Naraku, grinning evilly as Sesshoumaru's hand moved back to his side.

Inuyasha could see his sibling shaking in frustration and fury but he could also see that Sesshoumaru seemed unable to stop himself from obeying the commands given to him. "What are you doing to him, Naraku?" he asked, holding the Tetsusaiga towards the evil being.

"My miasma will not poison him," he replied, snaking his hand out and caressing Sesshoumaru's cheek. "But I find it can make others bend to my will."

Sesshoumaru growled low in his throat and his jaws snapped shut on empty air as Naraku managed to remove his hand just in time from having it bitten off.

"Still not completely tamed, but you soon will be, my pet," Naraku hissed out. "Stand still, Sesshoumaru," he said as he backhanded the lord hard across the face eliciting gasps from the rest of the group that was watching.

Sesshoumaru made no sound as his head snapped to the left from the blow. He brought his eyes back to Naraku; they only showed cold hatred and intense anger.

"Good, let your anger come forward. Why don't you bring your demon out to play?" he asked coyly. Immediately Sesshoumaru's eyes began to turn red and his claws and teeth lengthened. He tried to fight against transforming and was only stopped by Naraku's order to do so. "That's enough," the spider intoned. "Now, attack my enemies!" he yelled pointing at the stunned group before him.

In his half transformed state, with Naraku's orders ringing in his ears, Sesshoumaru lost what little control he had been able to maintain and leapt into the air, his deadly gaze levelled at his brother. He drew his fist back and Inuyasha was just able to block the blow that was aimed at him. The force of the attack knocked Inuyasha off balance and he fell onto his back with his brother on top of him.

The rest of the group woke up from their shocked stillness and mobilized into action, beginning to attack the spider demon and Kagura who was by his side. Naraku began shooting out tentacle after tentacle to block and grab at them, laughing as he kept watch on his pet's progress in eliminating the dog hanyou.

_So this was his plan all along, to get us trapped in here and use Sesshoumaru against us._ Miroku had to admit he felt fear at the thought of having to fight two very strong demons. He knew using his wind tunnel would have to be a last resort as the bees were all over the place in here.

Sesshoumaru snarled and his teeth clicked shut inches from the hanyou's face. The maddened demon lord gripped his younger brother's throat. His talons began to glow green as he squeezed and Inuyasha closed his eyes tightly trying to block out the pain.

"Sesshoumaru, stop, fight him. I know you don't want to hurt us," Inuyasha cried out. "Please, don't let him control you, niisan." Inuyasha felt a hesitation, a slight loosening of the breath taking grip on his throat. He opened his eyes and saw his brother's face devoid of the mask he always wore. Emotions were flitting across his visage unchecked as his older brother shook his head back and forth trying to clear the fog Naraku had infected him with, whining very slightly. Inuyasha saw surprise and determination and perhaps something soft when his brother finally focused his eyes on him and they slowly turned to gold.

"What did you call me?" Sesshoumaru questioned softly, he still had his hand loosely on his younger sibling's neck but the green glow was gone.

"Niisan," Inuyasha returned just as softly.

"Sesshoumaru," called out Naraku who had not missed this exchange and a slight jolt of fear went though him at the demon lord's ability to break free of his control. His fear was soon replaced with smug satisfaction as he beheld the look Sesshoumaru gave him when he showed him what he had in one of his tentacles. Koneko was struggling hard to break free. Bougumaru was using his katana to try and slice through the tentacle with little effect as Naraku kept trying to grab him with another mass of flesh, causing the boy and the others to jump back to get out of the way of the writhing tentacles that seemed to come out of him to no end.

"Do as your master commands, like the dog you are. Kill him and I may let her live," he cajoled. "Or perhaps if you will not obey, she will." Naraku snickered at the look of terror that flitted quickly over the demon lord's face before he was able to gain control over his features as Naraku brought one of his tentacles towards the girl's mouth. He began to let his miasma ooze out keeping his eyes locked onto Sesshoumaru's.

Sesshoumaru looked down at his younger brother and Inuyasha's breath hitched in fear thinking that his brother was going to do as Naraku commanded. Instead, Sesshoumaru quickly leapt off of him and grabbed Toukijin, which had been lying on a table in the room and he threw it at Naraku, impaling him where his heart should have been.

Naraku grimaced in pain but did not release his grip on the wildly thrashing cat hanyou. She could no longer control her demon side as Sesshoumaru had taught her and she snarled and ripped at the appendage that had her trapped. If she got loose she would sink her claws into anybody that was handy, she was beyond recognizing anyone now.

The two brothers attacked together, the elder using his poisonous claws to rip away any part of Naraku he could lay his hand on while the younger used Tetsusaiga to hack and slash his way closer to the evil hanyou.

Naraku's grin began to fade, the two dog demons working together was having an effect as they continued to tear him apart. He pulled the Toukijin from his chest, throwing it to the ground as he tried one last time to control the elder demon. "Sesshoumaru, I order you to stop now!" he yelled.

"That will not work any longer," barked out Sesshoumaru, grabbing the tentacle that had Koneko and slicing it off the body of his enemy. He quickly grabbed the now enraged cat demon before she could attack the others and held her tight as she bit and clawed him. He leapt back to give his brother room to use the Tetsusaiga's power.

Inuyasha wasted no time and called up the Kongousouha to pierce the spider demon's body cutting most of it apart. Kagome and Sango followed with attacks of their own, the slayer throwing out her hiraikotsu, the miko shooting her purifying arrow. Naraku was hit by the boomerang as he moved out of the way of the arrow. Fear and pain showed plainly on his face. When he saw the monk taking off his gauntlet he surrounded himself in his dark cloud of miasma, shielding himself from view. He ordered his Saimyoushou towards the monk and quickly left; Kagura right behind him on her feather.

"Damn it! He's got more lives than a cat," Inuyasha cried out in frustration. He turned around and saw his brother surrounded by the four kids he had taken in. Koneko was sobbing in Sesshoumaru's arm, the demon she had become gone; her eyes back to their golden color. The other three were trying to comfort her and wipe the blood off his brother, which Inuyasha now noticed, was a lot. He also saw for the first time that Sesshoumaru was wearing Miroku's robe and not his own.

Sesshoumaru himself was rocking the child, his eyes large and unfocused. His body was trembling slightly all over and a light sheen of sweat began to stand out on his brow. His color was paler than normal.

"He's going into shock," stated Kagome to Inuyasha as she went over to the demon lord while he wrapped the Toukijin in his fire rat coat. She no more than reached his side than he collapsed into unconsciousness causing the children to cry out. Miroku, Sango and Shippo took the four members of his group and escorted them away as Kagome helped to put the dead weight of Sesshoumaru onto Inuyasha's back. Together they all left the castle and headed to a more secure place.


	18. Can We Be Brothers At Last

Chapter 18: Can We Be Brothers At Last

Sesshoumaru awoke lying on the ground covered in a blanket. As his eyes focused he saw his wounds had been bandaged and his brother was sitting beside him. He still felt slightly light headed but the worst of the pain was gone and he knew he was healing quickly. At least his physical wounds, the wounds to his pride and his soul would take a little longer. He remained where he was and closed his eyes but in his mind's eye all he could see was Naraku invading his body and he could still smell the stench of the spider on his skin. He soon sat up quickly and turned his head to vomit into the grass beside him.

"You okay?" questioned Inuyasha with concern. "You've been out for over a day."

Sesshoumaru nodded as he gasped for breath, feeling the need to vomit again but unable to do so. He felt entirely too dirty and tried to stand so he could head somewhere to clean himself of the stench and the phantom feeling of Naraku's hands on him.

Inuyasha tried to help his brother but was swatted away with a growl. "I will be fine, I do not need your pity," the demon lord spat out.

"I don't pity you, I'm just trying to help," Inuyasha stated but kept his distance trying to allow his brother some semblance of pride.

"Where is Jaken?" Sesshoumaru asked as he managed to make it to his feet.

"Kagura…killed him," Inuyasha answered softly. He watched as a look of sorrow quickly crossed the demon lord's face.

Sesshoumaru turned his back to his younger sibling and said nothing but his heart felt heavy, "Did you retrieve the body?" he asked, his voice low, knowing too much time had passed for him to bring his retainer back.

"Yes, we buried him. Miroku said a prayer for him," Inuyasha told his older brother. "I can show you where."

Sesshoumaru said nothing but he gave a quick nod. "The children are okay?"

"Yeah, they're with the others. They're really worried about you. They care about you, Sesshoumaru."

"I am going to bathe." Sesshoumaru headed off in the direction where he smelled the scent of water not wanting to acknowledge his brother's words. He walked slowly but with his head up and his back straight. Inuyasha followed behind at a respectful distance.

The battered demon soon found the springs that the group had camped near and stripped himself of Miroku's robe. He folded the garment neatly and entered the water sinking into its warm depths up to his chin. He sighed shakily still disturbed by images of the spider groping him in places he had never been touched. He began to clean himself, trying to push these images and the feelings of self loathing away without much success.

Inuyasha watched from the bank with his ears pinned to his head at the aura of absolute misery coming from the water. He could see his brother trembling as he cleansed himself and trying mightily not to let anything show outwardly. He came into the water beside Sesshoumaru with a soft whine when he saw the demon draw his legs up and hug his knees, his shoulders softly shaking.

"Go away, Inuyasha," Sesshoumaru intoned coldly, turning his head away. He made no move to attack his brother as the hanyou sat down beside him, still with his clothes on.

Inuyasha just sat there, he really didn't know what to say that wouldn't sound trite so he reached out and gently put his hand on his brother's shoulder. He felt Sesshoumaru flinch at the contact but again the demon lord made no move to stop him or remove his hand. Feeling emboldened, Inuyasha rubbed the demon lord's back in soothing circles.

Sesshoumaru spun around quickly rising onto his knees, frightening Inuyasha into jumping to his feet. His heart soon calmed when he felt his brother grab him about the waist and lean his forehead onto his chest.

Inuyasha put his arms around his brother's neck and head, holding him close, surprised at the uncharacteristic way his older brother was acting. He realized that the demon lord's encounter with Naraku bothered his normally stoic brother more than he wanted to let on.

"I let him…I let him use me and I did not even fight back," he whispered into his younger brother's haori.

"You were trying to protect the kids, it wasn't your fault," replied Inuyasha, feeling very distressed as he stroked his fingers though his brother's long hair.

Sesshoumaru was beginning to feel better at the close contact and comfort of his brother but knew he was not going to be able to indulge himself in what he had been craving for such a long time. _I must leave the children here, they are better off with Inuyasha. I can protect them no longer. My first priority must be Naraku. I cannot allow him to use those I love against me again. I must kill him._ He sighed sadly at the thought of being alone again but he had to do this, to keep everyone safe. He straightened up and regretfully left his brother's embrace putting his cold, arrogant demeanour back in place as he donned the robe. "You will keep the children," he stated.

"What are you talking about, they won't want to stay with us," Inuyasha argued.

"I do not wish them to be with me any longer, they are a liability. I will not allow them to follow me."

"They love you, Sesshoumaru. They will follow you regardless of what you say." Inuyasha couldn't figure out the quick change in his brother's attitude.

"I do not love them," the demon lord stated, wrapping his heart in the ice that was inside him. "It was a mistake to take in any of them. They are meaningless, as are you."

Inuyasha looked at his brother in disbelief. "You're lying, I know you care about them and about me," he frowned.

"And how do you presume to know this?" Sesshoumaru questioned with a dangerous tone, letting his younger sibling know that he was crossing the line in calling him a liar. The only thing that stopped his hand from striking the hanyou was that it was true.

_Oh, shit. How am I going to tell him?_ Inuyasha took a deep breath, deciding he might as well fess up and get it over with, "I read your book, so I know a lot more than you think." He kept his eyes warily on his brother hoping to be able to gauge his reaction and tensed his muscles in order to move quickly in case Sesshoumaru attacked him.

Sesshoumaru stood looking at him, utterly stunned. "You…you read my…where did you get it?" he asked, his eyes narrowing in anger.

"I…well, I just found it…when we last fought. I found it on the ground." Inuyasha began to unconsciously back away from the fury he was sensing from his brother.

"And you think that gave you the right to read it?" Sesshoumaru's voice rose in volume and he clenched his fist feeling profoundly embarrassed at the thought of his brother knowing all his secret desires and feelings that he had kept so closely guarded. He covered it up with anger instead. Sesshoumaru lashed out with his fist hitting Inuyasha squarely on the jaw before he could get out of the way. The hanyou fell to the ground his head spinning from the blow watching in some fear as his brother loomed over him. Sesshoumaru surprised him by suddenly turning and stalking off into the forest.

"Stop, Sesshoumaru. I'm sorry…I just…I just wanted to know you better. I've never wanted to fight you," Inuyasha did not want his brother to walk away like this. He didn't realize until now how much he wanted his older brother in his life. "Don't run away, stay with us…with me." He scrambled up from the ground and ran to catch up to his brother who had not slowed in the least, coming to stand in front of him to block his path.

"Step aside," Sesshoumaru growled out dangerously. He let his poison come to his clawed hand, closer than he had ever been in wanting to kill his brother outright. He tried to get by the hanyou before he indulged himself in the impulse and did something he would forever regret.

"No, I'm not letting you leave like this," the hanyou replied with a look of stubbornness and determination on his face. Inuyasha was soon gasping for breath with hot spikes of pain traveling up his back as Sesshoumaru held him to the tree he had just slammed him against, letting his venom burn into his brother's neck, standing with his quickly reddening eyes inches from his brothers.

Inuyasha knew that yelling and fighting was not going to work and would probably alienate them further, so he did the thing Kagome always did to calm him, he wrapped his arms around his angry brother and hugged him tight, ignoring the pain as best he could.

Sesshoumaru, surprised, halted his poison attack and tried to push himself away. Inuyasha gripped him tighter and wouldn't let go. "Don't go, no one should live alone for so long, we need you, oniichan," the hanyou told his brother softly, hoping to appeal to the heart he knew was hidden under that cold exterior.

The demon lord felt panic start to rise and struggled to get loose, the sensation of being held so tightly bringing back certain unpleasant memories. Inuyasha refused to release him and hung on for dear life as his brother slammed him repeatedly into the tree trying to make the hanyou loosen his grip. The younger boy was beginning to see stars and he knew he was going to lose consciousness when he felt his sibling sag in his arms, the fight seemingly gone from him.

Sesshoumaru felt totally drained, physically and emotionally. This was something he had wanted for so long. C_an I really give into this desire?_ He thought.

"It's okay. You don't have to be alone anymore. You don't have to be afraid to care," soothed Inuyasha still holding his brother tightly around the waist, his head beginning to clear.

Sesshoumaru was at a loss, he did not know how to respond to his brother's caring words. He wished Inuyasha would fight and scream at him; that he knew how to deal with, this left him confused and feelings of longing welled up within him. "There will be repercussions if I stay," he said. "There are still those on our father's land that want nothing more than your death."

"Then we'll fight them together," replied Inuyasha sternly.

"I do not wish to cause a civil war over my wants, Inuyasha," Sesshoumaru scolded, resting his head on his brother's and draping his own arm around the smaller frame. The demon lord was beginning to experience a peaceful feeling being surrounded by his brother's scent. They stood that way for several minutes, comforting each other and then parted.

"Look, we need to defeat Naraku. Even those assholes should see that. We stand a much better chance together to do that. Tell them we formed a temporary truce, tell them you're using us, I don't care. But we do need you, Sesshoumaru. The kids need you…I need you."

Sesshoumaru thought momentarily and then finally gave into the need to be with his brother, "Very well, but I want my book back," he stated firmly, holding his hand out for it.

Inuyasha blushed slightly and reached into his haori, passing the book to his brother. The hanyou decided that he wasn't going to tell his sibling about the other's reading it as well. _I better make sure the rest of them don't say anything or there'll be hell to pay._

Now that things had been decided, both brothers felt somewhat awkward with what had happened as they returned to the others. They knew it would take time to get to know and trust each other after their years of fighting but both wanted to try.


	19. The Missing Sesshoumaru

Chapter 19: The Missing Sesshoumaru

A few weeks later they were still trying to find where Naraku had hidden himself. They all stopped to rest by a lake and the children were taking advantage of the cool water to swim and play. The only one missing was Koneko who was not that fond of water. Kagome was beginning to get worried for her as she hadn't seen her for awhile but soon breathed a sigh of relief when she saw the cat hanyou and Sesshoumaru come walking out of the woods towards her.

"Where have you guys been?" Kagome asked curiously.

"Just talking," replied Koneko stopping to talk as Sesshoumaru continued on towards the lake.

"Is he okay?" questioned Kagome.

"He will be, being here with everyone is helping him."

"How can you tell?" Kagome couldn't see any difference in his demeanour at all. He still seemed like the same old closed off youkai that she always knew. The only thing that wasn't the same was that the demon lord wasn't trying to kill them.

Koneko gave a small smile. "You'll get used to him."

The two girls wandered over to the lake and sat on the bank watching the younger kids playing with Bougumaru. They had all ganged up on him and were trying to dunk him under the water, much to his delight.

"He's such a big kid," Koneko blushed, which caused Kagome to give her a teasing smile.

"You like him," the older girl said, elbowing the cat.

Koneko blushed a deeper shade of red, "No I don't, he's too immature."

"Uh huh," Kagome replied still smiling, her eyes sparkling.

"Chame is really coming out of his shell," Koneko stated, changing the subject.

Chame and Shippo had become fast friends and now instead of being so shy and frightened all the time, he had blossomed into the curious, mischievous fox he should have been. He no longer clung to Sesshoumaru or Bougumaru all the time. Shippo had even taught him how to use and control his fox fire, something the smaller fox demon would not even try before. The two of them delighted in teasing the daylights out of a certain inu hanyou.

Sesshoumaru had been quite pleased in the changes in his little fox. _I knew being with another of his kind would be helpful to him,_ he thought, watching as the two of them, with Rin's help almost succeed in pushing the older human boy under the water. He sighed inwardly; it was going to be so hard to leave them.

Three days later Sesshoumaru was gone. At first no one thought much of it as the demon lord would leave for a few days on his own from time to time, always returning. He told the others he was scouting ahead for signs of Naraku and could move faster by himself. By the time another six days had gone by and still Sesshoumaru had not returned everyone started to get worried.

"Do you think he got tired of being with us and just left?" Kagome asked Inuyasha.

"That doesn't seem right. He seemed happy to me, or at least as happy as he can get." Inuyasha was mystified as to why his brother hadn't come back. They had spent a great deal of time together getting to know each other and it seemed as if everything was going to work out for the two of them. The hanyou was certain that his brother would not just up and leave for no reason.

"Where's lord Sesshoumaru?" Rin asked as they sat around the fire that evening.

"Yeah," stated Bougumaru, "He should have been back by now."

Chame and Rin had small tears starting to form in their eyes. "You don't think anything is wrong, do you, Inuyasha-sama?" the small human girl asked.

"No, no, I'm sure he's fine," consoled Kagome. "He's a strong demon right, nobody could hurt him," she smiled at the two youngest of their group, not entirely convinced herself that something hadn't gone wrong. She could see Inuyasha was worried as well. Chame and Rin seemed calmed by her assurances and followed Sango as she got them ready for bed.

"You don't seem very worried, Koneko," stated Bougumaru.

"He's probably found Naraku," she informed the group.

"What?" exclaimed Inuyasha. "He wouldn't be so stupid as to try and take him on his own."

Koneko didn't answer. "What do you know about this?" Miroku asked the cat hanyou.

"He told me not to tell," she replied, casting her eyes to the ground.

Inuyasha knelt in front of her and lifted her chin so she had to look at him. "This is really important, tell us what he said."

"He told me that he knew where Naraku was and he was going to go fight him. He said if we were there it would distract him," the young cat told him.

"Shit! Damn it, he's so damn stubborn!" Inuyasha was steaming at his brother. "Did he tell you where Naraku was?" he asked Koneko.

"No, he just said not to tell anybody he was going."

_Of course,_ Inuyasha thought. _It's been nine days since he's been gone; he's hoping his scent will be too slight for me to follow. Well, I got a good nose, brother and I will track you and Naraku down. _"Come on, pack up, we're leaving," the hanyou ordered.

"Where?" questioned Kagome as she helped Sango wake up Rin and Chame who were not pleased to be woken so soon after going to bed. Inuyasha was already down on all fours sniffing around the camp. It took him awhile but he finally found the faint lingering scent of his brother

"This way," he called out to everyone as they all gathered on Ah-Un or Kirara and took off after the fast disappearing hanyou.

Authors Note:

Okay, the next chapter is going to be sad and please don't kill me for what happens. The next chapter just sort of wrote itself and was actually not what I had originally intended. I think it came out well though so I hope you'll continue to read. Thanks for listening to me ramble.


	20. The Needs of the Many

Chapter 20: The Needs of the Many

Inuyasha was getting frustrated. He had lost the scent for the third time and no matter what he couldn't pick it up again. _Damn Sesshoumaru, he must have flown from here._ "Sango, can you try looking from the air?" he asked the slayer.

Sango and Kirara flew off, using a circular search pattern that got larger and larger until they were out of view. The rest sat on the ground to rest as Kagome with the help of Rin and Koneko prepared some food for the hungry travelers to eat. There was not much conversation as they waited for Sango to return.

A few hours later Kirara landed by the group. "I found them," cried out Sango sitting atop her cat friend. "They are in a battle."

"Let's go," yelled out Inuyasha to the kids who had gone off to play in the woods.

"Maybe we should leave the kids here," Kagome said.

"That would be best," Sango agreed.

"Who's going to stay back here with them?" questioned Inuyasha. He felt that anyone who could fight should be there and he didn't want to split up their group.

"I'll stay," replied Sango. "Kirara can go with you to help."

The older two kids argued, and finally Inuyasha relented. Kagome was not happy but Koneko made a point of saying she was a hanyou the same as Inuyasha and therefore could fight. Bougumaru just outright refused to stay behind, saying he would follow on foot if he had to. Inuyasha, seeing the stubborn set to the boys jaw, knew he would make good on his threat.

"I'm not going to babysit you two," Inuyasha grumbled at them.

"No one asked you to," replied Koneko giving a good impression of one of Sesshoumaru's famous disdainful stares.

"Getting tired, Sesshoumaru?" mocked Naraku as he again brought his body back together. "You know you cannot kill me," he chortled.

Sesshoumaru said nothing but brought his sword Toukijin again to bear upon the spider hanyou. They had been fighting non-stop for two days and it was taking a toll on the demon lord. He had expended a lot of energy trying to defeat the insidious spider and was nearing exhaustion. The only thing that kept him upright was his anger and hatred for the being that mocked him so casually. He had many wounds and his healing ability had slowed considerably since the start of their battle, leaving him slightly light headed because of the loss of blood. Most of the wounds were not life threatening and Sesshoumaru had the idea that Naraku was simply toying with him.

"Why don't you join me? We could easily defeat Inuyasha, isn't that what you want? To see him dead?"

"Perhaps it is you that is getting tired," replied Sesshoumaru, ignoring the questions and panting slightly. "I will not stop until I see your death." He threw out the power of his sword again demolishing Naraku's body only to see it knit itself back together once more. He was gratified to see that the spider was taking longer to fix himself each time. _One of these times you will be unable to pull yourself together._

Naraku again laughed at the demon lord trying not to show his own weakness as he watched his nemesis stagger slightly. He was getting frustrated by this game and try as he might he could not seem to get a killing hit in on the demon lord. He sent his tentacles out and was gratified to feel one of them bite into Sesshoumaru's flesh as he twisted, trying to avoid them. The demon lord swung his sword managing to cut off most of them.

_Your getting slower my pet, it's only a matter of time before you'll be one with my flesh,_ Naraku thought with glee

Finally, Naraku gave a cry of victory as he managed to snag Sesshoumaru with one of the tentacles that he had not managed to slice away. He quickly wrapped the flesh around the demon lord pinning his arm to his side and brought him closer to him. "Now, you are mine," he snickered with an evil smirk.

"Don't be so sure, Naraku," came a cry off to his left. The spider demon growled in frustration when he saw Inuyasha and his group. He hugged Sesshoumaru closer to him.

"If you use your weapons, you might hit your brother." Naraku had a feeling that Inuyasha would not allow harm to come to the demon lord. _Your feelings of compassion will be your undoing today, hanyou._ Naraku was so busy paying attention to the newcomers to the battle that he was stunned when he began to feel some pain. He looked to the demon he had in his clutches and saw that Sesshoumaru had freed his arm and had it wrapped around him, holding him as tightly as he held the battered dog demon. Sesshoumaru's whole body glowed green as he pressed himself to the spider demon, his poison eating away at the grotesque flesh.

Naraku tried to let go of his enemy but Sesshoumaru hung on and refused to be pried off.

"Inuyasha," Sesshoumaru called out to his brother, "use your sword, cut him down."

"Let go of him, I can't do it with you in the way," the hanyou answered back.

Sesshoumaru was not about to let go, he could sense the spider beginning to panic as his demonic poison ran through the evil hanyou. He could feel Naraku's body weakening and knew that as long as he continued to pump his venom into him, he would not be able to regenerate. He knew that if he let go Naraku would take that opportunity to flee yet again. "Never mind me, do as I say," he commanded his younger sibling in his best authoritive voice.

_Damn it, _thought Inuyasha, _I am not going to destroy you along with him. _"Let go you stubborn bastard!" Inuyasha yelled using his sword to cut at Naraku's tentacles as they came towards him and his group.

Sesshoumaru growled in frustration and then caught sight of Koneko as she sidled up beside Miroku, unnoticed._ Good girl, she remembers our talk in the woods that day._ He looked to his kitten locking eyes with her and nodded.

Koneko grabbed the monk and turning him so everyone else was behind them, ripped open his gauntlet holding his hand out towards Naraku and her adopted father. Miroku yelped in surprise and tried to close his hand but the cat was quicker and forced his hand open gripping him tightly.

"No!" yelled Inuyasha as both his brother and his enemy were sucked into the vortex in Miroku's hand.

There was complete and utter silence as Koneko released the monk. She stood, tears in her eyes and then turned and started to walk away from the battle field.

Miroku dropped to the ground on his knees looking at his now normal hand. He soon gave a yell of pain as the shikon jewel ripped a hole through his hand where his wind tunnel had been, the power of the almost complete jewel rejecting the entrapment of Naraku's curse. It popped out and rolled on the ground towards Kagome who picked it up. The miko girl ran to Miroku and tucked the jewel into her pocket. She bandaged his bleeding hand, feelings of confusion and shock racing through her.

"What have you done?" Bougumaru asked angrily, running to catch up to the retreating form of the cat hanyou.

Inuyasha leapt in front of her, growling, his claws flexing. "Why did you do that, we could have found another way." Tears were stinging at the corner of his eyes as he tried to control himself so as not to kill her.

"He told me to," she replied quietly. "He told me to make sure Naraku was defeated at all costs. He said the best way to do it would be to suck him up into Miroku's wind tunnel because there would be no way he could escape."

"When did he tell you this," asked Miroku as him and Kagome walked over to them.

"That day in the woods, I saw the two of you," answered Kagome for her.

Koneko nodded. "He made it quite plain that I was not to hesitate, even if it meant his own life. He made me promise," she sobbed. "He said that the safety of everyone was more important than the safety of one being." The cat child wiped the tears that were freely flowing down her face as everyone else stood in shocked silence. "I'll leave now, I know you'll never forgive me," she said to Inuyasha as she again tried to walk away.

"No," cried out Kagome, tears also falling from her eyes as she embraced the cat hanyou. "Inuyasha, she was only doing what Sesshoumaru told her to do, we can't blame her for his decision."

_Damn you, Sesshoumaru. We could have defeated him without losing you. _Inuyasha let the tears flow freely at the loss of his brother, dropping Tetsusaiga to the ground in his grief.

"He left something for you," Koneko told Inuyasha. "In case…" she began to cry again, holding onto Kagome as if she was her only lifeline.

Inuyasha reached down, picking up the Tetsusaiga and sheathing it. The saddened group left to return to Sango and the others to tell them what had happened. They did not tell the younger children that it had been Koneko to deliver the killing blow, instead making sure they knew that Sesshoumaru sacrificed himself for, not only their whole group, but the whole of Japan as well.

Authors note: If anyone has ever watched the original Star Trek you will recognize the title of this chapter and be able to finish the sentence. (I sort of borrowed it and it and Star Trek do not belong to me) There is one final chapter left after this, I hope every one will enjoy the ending.


	21. The Final Entry

Chapter 21: The Final Entry

Inuyasha, if you are now reading this I have died and hopefully taken Naraku with me.

Do not be hard on Koneko if it was by her actions that I have died. She will have a hard time dealing with what she had to do, what I forced her to do. Of everyone I knew she would not disobey me and I am ashamed to say I manipulated her into doing what she did. She is so much like me, do not allow her to close herself off and hide from her emotions. Let her know I love her for what she did for me.

If I have died by your hand, know that I do not blame you and that I am glad you have rid the world of a great evil such as Naraku. I cannot express myself to you properly in person so I will tell you here what I have never been able to say.

I thank you for being my brother these last few weeks. I should not have been so stubborn; perhaps things could have been different between us much earlier. I have gained much peace from being with you and your strange group. You have given me something that I have missed my whole life, a sense of belonging, a sense of family.

You are now father to my children, bring them up well. You were correct in that I do love them; that was why I went after Naraku the way I did. I could not stand the thought of him ever tormenting them again or gaining control of you. Please understand why I did what had to be done. My life is meaningless without them and you, to know that you, my family, will survive is enough for me. My life has been too long; it will be a release for me to go. No one, not even I, should live forever.

You are now the Lord of the Western Lands; they are yours to do with as you wish. I hope that you will take your place as lord and rule wisely and well. If you decide such I will give you a word of advice. Trust no one. Know that it will not be an easy task for there are those that will try anything to prevent you from taking your place as lord. Ferret out the ones that would do you harm, you are father's son and a prince. Let no one take what is rightfully yours. I am sure with your companions by your side that you will be victorious in claiming your birth right and with your great determination and your kind heart, will be a great ruler. You may not believe it but I do have faith in you, Inuyasha. I have seen with my own eyes your strength and power and I feel you are ready for this challenge now. I am proud to have you as my successor.

How long your reign will last I cannot say. I have noticed a great increase in the human population but a decrease in our demon one. Many are already seeking more desolate places to get away from them but even there I see human encroachment. I see a day where demons and hanyous will be relegated to fairy tales, that we will no longer walk the earth with the humans. Who would have thought such insignificant creatures would be able to conquer us. I find it peculiar. We have not given them enough credit.

Another word of advice from your older brother, hang on to your miko. Kagome is a kind and gentle girl and she loves you. This I am sure you know. Do not be foolish and lose the one great treasure you have. She is a good match for you and you both have my blessings.

Know this as well, I have always loved you, otouto. I am ashamed that I have never been able to say that to you. I have wasted so much time between us in my anger and arrogance, for this I am deeply sorry. Take care of yourself and all in your care. We will meet again on the other side.

Inuyasha closed the book with tears in his eyes. He tucked it into his haori and wiped his eyes. He looked at the other items Koneko had given him that had been left behind by his brother, his fluffy wrap, a sign of his heritage from his mother and the Tenseiga. He tucked Tenseiga into his belt beside the Tetsusaiga and felt them almost hum in appreciation of being together once more. He didn't know if the sword of his brother would work for him but he would try to practice with it. He dropped out of the tree he had been reading in and headed back to the camp everyone was waiting for him at.

"Are you okay?" Kagome asked as she came up and hugged him.

"Yeah," the hanyou sighed. He released her and put his brother's boa over his shoulder as he had seen Sesshoumaru do. Inuyasha looked at the almost complete jewel hanging around Kagome's neck. Only three more shards remained to bring it back to its former state.

_Maybe, when we complete the jewel I can bring you back, but until that day I will do what you have asked of me, brother. I will be a good lord and a good father. I will make both you and Chui-hue proud._

**THE END**

Thank you everyone who wrote to me and reviewed this story, I hope you were not too disappointed in the ending and although it was sad, I think it still leaves us with a bit of hope. This bit of hope was thanks to Princess of Gun Blades who suggested an alternate ending. I liked her idea so much more than mine that I had to change my story. Thank you and I believe others thank you as well kiss kiss

I especially want to thank Kirarapurr for doing fan art for this story, it's a great picture and I hope you guys will take a peek at it and let her know how wonderful of an artist she is.

I will be posting another story soon called "Curse of the Wolf" It is a yaoi fic with InuXKouga pairing. I should be starting to post it within a few days. I hope to hear from everyone again soon and I will definitely write back to you all. If you've sent me links to your stories I will definitely read them, I love to read others people's stories and hear different ideas. Also anytime you want to make a suggestion such as Princess of Gun Blades did I will certainly take it into consideration and I may use your idea. Again tons of hugs and kisses to everyone, you guys are why I love writing so much.  hearts


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